Monday, 13 September 2010

Fears

I thought a lot about this the last few days. Don't know why, it sort of just popped into my head. Anywho I realised that fears are a lot more interesting and fun than likes. If you ask people what they fear you probably get more varied and weird answers than if you ask what they like.

Me, for example, I don't fear what people usually think a girl fears. I'm not afraid of bugs or spiders or wasps or snakes or heights or anything like that. I don't like bugs and spiders but as along as they are not physically on me or in my face I don't really care if they are in the same room as me. Heights never bothered me. OK, I'm high up in the air, it will hurt if I fall, then I wont fall. There are however a few things that I am afraid of. The physical things are pigeons and sea gulls because they look scary, they are ugly and they are not afraid of me. I'm also afraid of clowns and man-sized dolls. I can't watch the part with the clown in Scary Movie 2 and the only scary things in Saw are the friggin' man-sized dolls! I liked to go to the circus as a child, but I never ever enjoyed the clown's performance.

Then there are some serious stuff that I'm afraid of. The first one is being the centre of attention, with everyone's eyes on me, watching me and listening to every word I say. I don't like this kind of attention, not even on my own birthday. That's why I can't make a proper speech or a good performance. That's why I can't remember what happened on the stage afterwards. I black-out. It all started with my classmates being mean to me in middle school because I talked too fast, that made me conscious of the way I talked. Then they started teasing me for the way I dressed and my appearance, which made me too self-conscious. Now I'm not really bothered by that anymore and I don't expect the mean comments anymore, but the fear of going up on that stage is rooted so deep within me that I don't really know how to get rid of it. But I want, oh, how I want to be able to be that girl. The one who self-confident can walk up on that stage, catch the eyes of everyone and be comfortable with it. The one who makes a speech or a performance in such a good way that the people watching and listening remember it. I want to, but how do I get rid of black-outs, shaking and nerves?

The other serious thing I'm afraid of is being left alone and becoming suicidal again. Before 10th grade, before everyone switched schools to go into a self-chosen program and study in a different town with completely different people, I was alone. I had a few friends, but I didn't meet with them often or feel that certain strong connection. I did not fear death (I don't even now), I was depressed and lonely and suicidal for five years and I was convinced that my life was one of those unimportant ones, the accidental ones. But after 10th grade I started getting friends, more friends, closer friends. I started to feel love and gradually the darkness left. I had a short suicidal period in 11th grade but it was insignificant compared to the other things. But now because of all those things that happened before, my biggest fear is for my life to become like that again. I'm terrified of one day waking up and discover that everything is gone or that it all was a dream and that I'm once again 14 years old and miserable. Another thing that has lingered is the lack of fear of death. Where it is the most noticeable is when I cross streets. I usually never check the crossings before crossing them. It doesn't occur to me to do so. Not even when I have my iPod plugged in and can't hear the cars I watch. But I promise, the cars will stop if you walk right out in front of them. They will stand on the brakes and they will stop. But what happens behind those cars is a whole different story!

This post turned out a little depressing. Sorry 'bout that ^^; Now I have revealed my fears. What are yours?

1 comment:

  1. Well... you already know mine. Ink and anything like it, the dark, others and myself getting hurt. And lately, monsters (especially those--- well not under the bed, but in the apartement) I think watching Supernatural was a bad idea...

    Serious fears, though. The future scares me. I've always, always known where I'm going. Had a plan, and worked on said plan for quite a while. But I can't plan my next set of years that I would normally start to plan now, and that scares me. It makes me wish for time to slow down, instead of speeding up as I wished before.

    Well, I have a another, but this is not the place to talk about it. And otherwise I can't think of anything.

    And no, they don't stop! Or they can't, if they're too close.

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