Today I had my first oral presentation in French. I honestly thought that I had made some progress and wasn't such a failure at it as I used to be. Turns out I was wrong. I stuttered. I trembled. I couldn't think clear and I knew that I was pathetic. Being the last one out I ended that class in a miserable way. It wouldn't have been so bad, I would've been able to just shake it off and move on with my life if it wasn't for that little detail that caught my eye. A girl, whom I already disliked, sitting opposite me leaned back on her chair and immediately after I finished speaking she asked the guy next to her if he had understood what I had talked about. That careless way and those words... It pierced my heart. The girl sitting next to me asked me a conversational question about one thing as if it had been anyone else doing that oral presentation. It made me feel better. To me it meant that I hadn't been that horrible but that she was stupid, immature, careless and a stuck-up know-it-all. I admit that her pronounciation is one of the better in the class and that she seems more confident with her French than a lot of us - but that's no reason for being stuck-up like you're better than everyone else. If you know more, then help others who don't. Don't just go around bragging about how much you know the "in your face"-way.
In the beginning of this semester I was divided into a grammatical exercises group with the girl I now hate and another girl. After missing a text from her about a meeting they both stopped calling on me. One missed text. They also stopped talking to me when we all showed up at class. So the first girl that I now hate is a stuck-up know-it-all that hurt my feelings. The other one thinks she's a know-it-all because she's been in France so so so many times, but actually my French is better than hers. So I know that I'm a know-it-all too, but I try to be nice about it usually. I help people. There's a reason why my classmates in Japanese class called me Jisho-chan (Little Dictionary).
I thought I had matured and grown since high school and stopped hating on people, but I guess not. I guess I just haven't had any reason to hate on anyone until now. I hope none of them are going to continue onto next semester. It would be interesting if they did, but I don't want them there. If I could have punched her and yelled at her today without getting in trouble, I would have.
I thought about the stage fright during my walk home and I think it has something to do with the language as well. It's less painful in Swedish and English and even Japanese. But I'm not comfortable with French yet. I think that's the biggest issue, when I prepare myself better and become more comfortable and certain I think it will be better. I hope next time (in two weeks!) will be better.
On the positive side today was a wake up call. I'm gonna study hard and ace my exams. It will show both me and her that I actually know something AND it will make me the know-it-all I usually am ;P