Reminiscing I realise that a part of my unhappiness may come from the fact that I was gravely unstimulated. I never had any homework. I only studied for tests the day before test day. I finished all class assignments halfway through class, finished off my homework during class and still had time left. How I hardly ever got below a B shows either the tardiness or the stupidity of my class, or both. I finished secondary school with only A's and B's, mostly A's, and I remember that the only feeling I had on graduation day was relief. Relief that it was over. I would never ever have to see these people again. I cried that day, not because I was sad to go, but because I was so happy that it was over.
I started sixth form (16-18) in a new town, as did almost everyone in my hometown since we had no school for sixth form there. I promised myself that that would be a new beginning. True to myself I told my mentor my whole story. She was the first living person I actually told everything to. My parents didn't (don't) know. I think my best friend have gotten the whole story throughout the years. The only other person I've actually told the whole story is my current boyfriend.
Secondary school also has a lot to do with my sexuality. Before sixth form I had pretty much no sexualilty, because those people had made me totally convinced that no boy would ever look my way twice. But then of course I had to fall in love. Which at first made me totally terrified, since I was certain I would get rejected. Now that didn't happen and all of sixth form was basically a huge boost of my self-confidence.
Still, all of my remaining insecurities begun in secondary school. And in my head my mind keeps telling me that I'm never good enough. I'm always doing something wrong. I'm trying to fight those feelings away.
How come it's always twice as hard to grow accustomed to good things as to bad things?
Anyway, I should stop doing these posts. Everytime I reminisce i end up being depressing and that's not who I want to be anymore.
Here are some older posts I've made, reminiscing about those days:
- That's just the way I work. Started out as a thing about school shootings, and ended up in being about me.
- The ugly duckling and her pet. Started out as a fashion thing after watching ANTM.
- Stop hiding. Let go. About how I'm trying to free myself from myself.
- The Tomboy and Fashion. About how I never really was a girl in the common sense of the word.
- Stage fright. One long-term effect from years of bullying. This is my biggest problem.