Wednesday, 23 November 2011

No one likes me anymore

Two days ago I broke up with my boyfriend from over a 1 year. It feels weird but it had to be done. I felt that we were drifting apart and I didn't feel that way about him anymore. I still like him a lot, but not that way. I told him all this.

Originally I had planned on waiting with the whole breaking up thing until after New Years, cause then maybe he had a job and could afford a flat all by himself. But it wouldn't really make a difference. We dealt with it and as we live in a two room flat we decided to take one room each. So we have one room each and we are still friends. Sure it can be a little awkward sometimes when we have to surpress reflexes that comes from being together with someone for over a year, but we're doing fine.

At least that's what I though yesterday. Because in the evening I find out from him that he had talked to his mother and told her everything and she had been angry with me for not moving out. He later met up with a friend (our friend) who felt the same way. He even told me that it would be more appropriate for me to move out since it was his dad who found us this flat. My best friend thinks that I shouldn't consider his economical situation and move out. My dad feels the same way. When Love got home he brought with him the two friends that are usually here almost all the time. One of them hugs us everytime he arrives and everytime he leaves. But his hug felt forced, like he had to or it would be weird for me. He didn't say a word to me this morning. At least the other one said 'good morning' and 'bye'.

So that's it. No one likes me anymore. I kind of saw this coming. We've mostly been hanging out with his friends and I had counted upon this as one of the side-effects from breaking up with him - having to find all new friends and start over. But I didn't think it would affect me so much. I feel totally abandoned. So what I did after he told me yesterday was to start looking for flats and rooms like crazy. But there's nothing. No flats that I can afford, no rooms that fit. I don't want to leave Lund. I love this town. But suddenly I feel unwanted. I broke up with my boyfriend and now everyone hates me. I cried myself to sleep last night and when I woke up getting out of bed was the hardest thing I have done in a long time. I decided not to go to class today cause I'm too weepy to be able to hold it together. I'm feeling a little better by now, though. Probably thanks to the fact that this morning I got a text from Love that said that he didn't want me to move out. It made me feel a little better, a bit more appreciated.

So I bet I won't get any comments on this post, because all the people I know fit into one of these three categories:
1. You don't like my anymore and won't comment because of it (why you're even here if you don't like me is  a mystery to me)
2. You're too uncomfortable by the fact that I've been pouring my heart out in this post and don't know how to say it
3. You're at a loss for words cause you're too afraid that everything you say will be insufficient and make me feel worse
If you feel like you don't fit into any of these then go ahead and prove me wrong.

When you were here before I couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel. Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather in a beautiful world. I wish I was special. You're so fucking special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. Your so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. She's running out the door. She's running. She run, run, run, run, run. Whatever makes you happy, whatever you want. You're so fucking special. I wish I was special. But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.

7 comments:

  1. Vad hans vänner och familj säger ska inte ha någon betydelse. För att i slutet så är det Love som får ta det beslutet.

    Och det minsta Love kan göra är att ge dig ett svar som inte är influerat av vare sig vänner eller familj.

    Det är väl inte som om ni är ovänner, eller? Att glida isär är ju inget nytt, och det är heller inget farligt.

    Hade det nu varit ett gräl så hade det varit en helt annan sak, och det är ju inte på det sättet, som jag förstått det.

    Och vad gäller era kompisar så kan du ju säga rakt på sak att du är samma person du var innan, och att ert förhållande är inget som ska beröra era vänner.

    Har de sen något att säga till om angående det så får de ju fanimej göra det. Ert förhållande är ERT förhållande, och inte eras vänners förhållande.

    Och är det så att de inte vill vara "vän" med dig pga ert förhållande så är de de lägsta, ytliga kräk jag sett.

    Det är svårt att hitta vänner som är helt oberoende av sådana saker, men det är inte omöjligt.

    Men skulle jag träffa er båda nere i Lund så skulle jag inte bete mig annorlunda mot dig eller mot Love, för att ert förhållande är inget som jag ska lägga mig i. Det är mellan dig och honom och endast er.

    Men nu får du ta in dig i den fasen där du säger till dem rakt på sak vad som gäller och att du inte tänker stå för sådana dumheter, så att de vet vad som ska gälla.

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  2. I don't hate you, I'll never hate you. I will always be your friend, no matter what. And I'm not the only one who's on "your side", so don't say that because it's not true.

    See, I made a comment.

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  3. Och jag håller med om praktiskt taget allt Sara säger.

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  4. Som vanligt när det kommer till sådant här är jag inte rätt person, men när du känner för att höra lite korkade kommentarer så vet du vart jag finns. /D

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  5. I don't know if I should tell you this but I do consider myself to fit into one of those 3 categories. HOWEVER I want you to know that I don't like you any less because of this. It's absurd that people do.

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  6. Thank you everyone :) I feel a lot better today and a lot of it is thanks to you people :D

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  7. Du som är en hyfsad invand internetmänniska borde väl veta att det är när man påstår att ingen kommer att kommentera som man oftast får flest kommentarer? ;P

    Men du får sluta tro att folk inte gillar dig längre, för det är inte sant. Det finns uppenbarligen folk som fortfarande står vid din sida, och som Sara skrev så är de som inte vill vara vän med dig längre nu när du gjort slut med din pojkvän inte riktiga vänner i alla fall, så skit i dem i så fall. Jag gillar dig ju också, uppenbarligen, eftersom jag ofta läser och kommenterar här ;)

    Det var i alla fall tråkigt att höra, men som det verkar så var det ju nästan bäst att det blev såhär, även om det kanske skedde lite för hastigt.
    Hoppas det löser sig snabbt för dig :)

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