Sunday, 13 November 2011

This is just not going anywhere...

What happened to this project of mine? It went really well to begin with then it kind of just disappeared. I have no idea why, but as soon as I stopped thinking about it I returned to being this introverted shy little girl. I have skipped several oral classes because they include speaking in front of people and I'm getting even more conscious of how I act around people. It's stupid. I hate it! I really should try to stop it. Again. I can give myself credit for meeting up with a new person though... Gotta count for something. I'm actually trying to reach out here. Can you reach me behind my walls?

When I try to stop thinking about how other people percieve me I get worried that by just being myself I'm putting them off cause I'm too weird and awkward just being me. I'm not mellow and I'm not loud. I'm shy in new environments and as soon as I set foot inside someone else's house I become extremely well-mannered and extremely conscious of my surroundings. Around the right people I could be very random and energetic in some kind of explosive weirdness, but around the right people I'm almost never awkward. The right people are usually those that I've known for a while and that I've been around a lot. Doesn't matter if I've known you for years but only meet you a few times a year or I'll still be awkward. It has to be something like meeting up several times a week for me to slowly become comfortable around you. So when I meet a new person that I like or whose company I enjoy I instantly become very pushy. I want to be able to text message, IM, call or whatever that person. I want to be able to talk all the time and meet up a lot. Cause the more bits and pieces I continuously give to that new person the more I relax, the more I stop feeling awkward.

Like that old post says I want to be more outspoken. I want to stop being afraid and worried all the time. I hate it. How do I stop it? How do I fix myself so I'm not broken anymore? Is that even possible? I'm trying to fix how sensitive I am. I want to be able to become angry or frustrated or irritated without instantly starting to cry. I want to be able to have a heated argument without burtsing into tears. How do I fix that? I want to be able to go to my oral class without getting the urge to run away from there. I want to be able to stand in front of people and not wishing that I could just sink through the floor or that they would stop looking at me. Also I would like to gain some kind of self-respect and self-confidence and stop being so goddamn self-conscious. I should remember that if people keep telling me that I'm pretty then it's probably true. How do I fix it so that I can see that too? Cause all I see in the mirror is that girl with glasses, braces and long wispy dirty blond hair that I used to be in my early teens when everything mattered. In a sense I'm probably still stuck there... How do I fix that?

I'm always scared to tell people about myself face to face cause I'm afraid that they'll turn away from me. That they'll think that I'm whiny and emo and too much to deal with. Yeah I come with some baggage. You can get rid of me and my baggage if you want to. I can't. You happy now? Is life ever simple to anyone?

I've started second-guessing myself more often lately. I still know what I want to do. I just don't know in what order and I'm increasingly doubting my ability to actually do it. Do I really have any special talents? Sometimes I think I do, but I'm not sure. I'm never sure when it comes to me. How do you know if you're happy? How do you know what's going to make you happy?

I have a lot of opinions. To what purpose? What's the point of having opinions if you don't have the courage to actually speak up? What's the point to try to stick out in your teens if all it's going to lead to is you being miserable cause you don't fit in anywhere when you finally grow up? Most of the time I'm happy being unusual. But sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have made me happier if I was indeed like everybody else. If I was one of those girls you see everywhere and not a geeky tomboy, would I be happier? Or is this a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side"?

That I actually even bother trying is probably due to the fact that I'm terrified of being left alone. I don't mind being alone I just don't want to be lonely. Two completely different things. Affirmation that I'm not completely alone keeps me sane.

3 comments:

  1. Intressant hur du lyckades beskriva nästan exakt de saker jag själv har brottats med det senaste året eller så :P Jag önskar att jag kunde formulera mina tankar så bra, heh.

    Det jag själv har märkt är att det sällan spelar någon roll hur mycket man säger till sig själv att man _borde_ göra någonting, man måste helt enkelt sparka sig själv i röven och försätta sig i de jobbiga lägena för att komma över dem. Först då märker man om ens farhågor faktiskt är sanna, och i fallet med de muntliga presentationerna kommer du garanterat att märka att din rädsla är helt obefogad... ingen kommer att bua ut dig, det kan jag lova, och ingen annan än du vet ju hur din presentation går, så vem skulle kunna rätta dig?

    Angående det där med att du är orolig för att prata med folk om dig själv; alltså, ja, alla människor kanske inte finner dig intressant, eller vill dela dina erfarenheter, men ärligt talat så är det i så fall deras problem, och det är bara självdestruktivt att gräma sig över att man inte kan leva upp till alla andras förväntningar. Det är också först när man bjuder på sig själv som man träffar på de som faktiskt tycker att man är intressant :) Även om det kanske kräver att man pratar om sig själv med 8 andra personer innan utan att det leder till något bestående.

    För övrigt borde du sluta med att fundera på om du skulle mått bättre av att vara någon annan, eftersom du aldrig kommer att vara någon annan i alla fall :P Det är bara slöseri med tid.

    Men ja, sammanfattningsvis, det du måste göra är nog att helt enkelt konfrontera dina rädslor, istället för att bara säga till dig själv vad du borde göra åt det, för det leder bara till onda cirklar.

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