Monday, 9 April 2012

Let's not do this again

So I just finished the exam assignment in French literature, I corrected all my résumés and I've finished my presentation for tomorrow's oral exam. But it wasn't easy. I've completely broken down twice in this procedure, crying my eyes out totally believing I'm not good enough. That I suck and I have nothing that makes me worthwhile. I've had nightmares and insomnia. I've been completely stressed out, not being able to fully concentrate on anything at all. I'm still feeling the need to curl up in a corner, cover myself in a blanket, cry my brains and eyes out and wait for the world to go away. But it wont ofc and so I have to keep on going.

All I can do now is hope that my teachers think I'm good enough for a passing grade.

I hate the fact that French doesn't come easy to me. Why?! Why doesn't it come easy to me?! It's a language. I understand how it works, but still it doesn't come naturally to me. While writing or speaking and trying to find a word I first go to English/Swedish but then I have to pass through Japanese as well before arriving at a French word. This makes me totally useless in speaking contexts. It takes way too much time for me to find the correct word. It's getting better, but slowly. I can't submerge completely into French culture as I've done with Japanese simply cause I find the French culture too boring. It's too... intellectual :P I'm intelligent, not an intellectual. There's a difference. If you don't know it, look it up!

Love finally made me come to my senses by making me understand that I'm acting pathetic. My problems are somewhat in the line of "The straight A student is no longer getting straight A's and have to work for her grades like the rest of us. Boo-hoo. Poor you." For some reason that made me pick my stuff up and keep on going.

But still, let's not do this again. I don't want to collapse into tears and feel completely useless and worthless again. I'm re-evaluating my continuation of French actually...

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