Thursday, 5 April 2012

Rambling, rambling, rambling...

I need to get this out of my system. Seriously. The pre-exam anxiety is killing me. Why? Cause I keep procrastinate it. Why? Cause I have no energy to do it. Why? I guess I'm just not that friggin interested! I keep thinking that this is it. This is the last exams I have to do in French and I have to pass. Seriously, I do not want to redo all of this in August. No way. I keep thinking that after this I'm free. The essay won't be as much work as the exams. Why? Cause it's a subject I chose, a teacher I like and just pouring out words and making qualified guess-work isn't that hard and it's kind of fun. Tomorrow I'm finishing the presentation for my oral exam. Hopefully. I have to. I just have to. And hopefully I'm gonna get started on the exam assignment in litterature. I will not be able to enjoy my Easter, but it doesn't matter. Easter has to be the most unnecessary holiday there is.

I don't know if my unwillingness to do the presentation for my oral exam has to do with the teacher. I don't like him. I'm scared he's gonna fail me just cause he can. I can't stand having him near me. Seeing him looking at me with those eyes. Eyes that tell me he thinks I'm a complete idiot. If he fails me I will cry. And scream. And possibly be depressed and sad for a week.

I haven't felt like this for a univeristy course since Economics. And I don't want to believe that it's all my own fault. Cause in French I feel like I'm doing well and then it all keeps blowing up in my face. So maybe I'm just completely useless at French or they are just bad teachers. At least in Economics it was obvious that I sucked and had absolutely no idea what I was doing...

If you have possibly missed all my rants about one of my teachers then I'll give you a recap:
My problem could also be pride. My own stupid pride. But I don't understand how it could be. I got all A's in Japanese and Spanish at univeristy level. But with French I just can't seem to cut it. 

I've been mentally preparing myself for failing for the last month. I guess that's partly where all my pre-exam anxiety comes from. And my insomnia. 

I'm also having mixed feelings about this. Partly a feeling of joy and delight that it's soon over, soon I'll be free. At the same time that scares the hell out of me cause that means I'll have to finish soon. 

After all this is over I want someone to let me get totally wasted. Just cause I need some exercising in relaxing.

Just writing this I feel like I'm gonna break down and cry my eyes out. Completely crack. But I wont. I don't do stuff like that. I'm strong. I'm independent. I survive. It's what I do and it's what I'll keep on doing. I wont let anything break me completely, just render me slightly unable for a while. It's how I deal. Now you deal with it.

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