Thursday, 31 May 2012

Nerdiness of May

I really should be blogging more often... Maybe I should start mobile blogging?

Anyways...

Harry Potter. Skyrim. ANTM. Mad Men. Writing. Alice Cooper. Tim Burton. The Avengers.

Harry Potter. I don't know how it happened. But suddenly I started hanging out a lot at FanFiction.net reading Dramione and Drarry, there has been one Ginny/Neville too and a really weird one involving Snape/Draco... Can't say that I want to stop reading them with a straight face. The most fun ones to read are the ones rated Mature. Yes, I'm dirty, it's not like I'm trying to hide it. Okay, I was lying. I know how it happened. I got into my head that I should just check out the FanFiction section of the forum at that Swedish community... I read some and then it got advanced... This is nothing new. I used to read fanfics all the time at hogwarts.nu. Either I was simply younger at the time or they were better writers at hoggy... I got bored with the fanfics at the forum and decided to go pro :P

Skyrim. I haven't really played that much, but I decided to go somewhere else for a while and try to get past that troll later. So I've been clearing out some bandit nests ever since. Now it seems like I'm in over my head again as I stumbled upon a camp of mage apprentices. You can't use my own weapon against me?! So not fair! *pout* ;) But I had a lot of fun when I was working on defeating that Necromancer as a way of helping a guy...  I failed the optional directive of protecting the guy so he died in the process... But I did defeat the Necromancer and got to kick some dead guys' asses too :P

ANTM. Saw the finals today. You remember me saying that my favourites were Azmarie and Sophie? Well, Azmarie was kicked out pretty early because of her "too cool for school"-attitude and then I could focus solely on Sophie who just kept winning me over every time. I was so happy for her success when she became the face of "Rude is Nude" and when she booked all her go-sees. But I was seriously doubting that she would win since she's a Brit. But the ANTM judges proved me wrong and she won! Sophie won! Yay! :D

Mad Men. Sad to say but Mad Men is getting boring. Last season was awesome and now it's just blah. What happened?! I keep watching the show just for the sake of it, but honestly... I guess the fact that Peggy quit is the only really big thing that will happen in this season?

Writing. Yes, I did start looking at my writing again. I have whole scenarios in my head for my main story I just need to get them into print and I also need to get to those scenarios story-wise. It's going very slowly...

Alice Cooper. I am not kidding when I say that I really really wanted one of these and that I was so very happy when my boyfriend actually bought me one. I also finally came around to buying five of my favourite Alice Cooper albums: Constrictor, Brutal Planet, Dragontown, Dirty Diamonds and Welcome 2 My Nightmare. I already had Trash, Hey Stoopid and Along Came a Spider before and now this lands my grand total of Alice Cooper albums on 8 :) I'm getting there ;)

Tim Burton. Toni showed me a movie by Tim Burton that I hadn't even heard of before. It was called 9 and it was super-cute, kind of steampunky and really good. My favourite characters being 7 (ofc) and then 3 and 4 :P Then ofc we went to the premiere of Dark Shadows. It wasn't awesome, it clearly wasn't one of the best movies he's done, but it wasn't bad and complete crap either. All on all I liked it and the ending promises a sequel :D And pointing back at my recent Alice Cooper hype... I had no idea Alice Cooper was going to be in Dark Shadows. When the ingress was rolling and it ended with "with Alice Cooper" I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. "Did you know about this?" "No! *huge smile*"

The Avengers. We went to see The Avengers on the premiere as well. I haven't laughed so hard at the cinema in ages. It was so hilarious. The crowd was so geeky and we applauded and laughed so many times. I could see it again at the cinema. So worth it. Also some of the scenes were hilarious like this one. And I still can't stop laughing to "Puny god". "Your brother just killed 80 people in 4 days." "*shrug* He's adopted."

Notice the fact that Diablo 3 isn't on this list. Why? Cause I just can't bother with linear MMO-RPGs that I'll suck at anyway.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

This is me right now


I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and run away
I just wanna fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and run away

Monday, 14 May 2012

Thoughts on the train...

Sorry about kind of massive post...

Spending four hours on a train always makes me think about things. Different things. Mostly they are related to some song that starts playing on my iPod. One single song can create a whole mass of thoughts, sometimes not very pretty, sometimes beautiful. This time it was a mix of bad and curiousness. The song that started was this:
It got me thinking of a quote by Don Draper from Mad Men: "When did music become so important?". Which got me into thinking about why music became so important to me... And then I was back there. I'm still surprised that it's all still so very close to the surface. It's been six years since I was miserable and still the memory of it is still so close. Why? 

I grew up in one of those towns where you never hear the end of it if you're different. What's even more interesting is that the other kids noticed and knew that I was different even before I noticed it myself. I don't even know why I was considered different back then. Maybe my memory is faulty but I remember myself as being a pretty normal kid before the age of 10... Maybe cause after I learned how to read everything, except maths, clicked and out of nowhere nothing was difficult? Jealousy? Could that be it? I keep trying to find a reason, but it eludes me all the time. I hardly ever studied 1st-9th grade. 10th-12th was fun, but mostly not difficult. Is that what made me different?

I never cared much about rules. But of course it was innocent rule-breaking. I climbed the trees on the school playground although the teachers told us not to. I refused to wear a helmet while reading a bicycle... Started skipping school in 5th grade at the age of 11... Innocent stuff like that. As I remember it 8th grade was the worst. Looking through my old diary that I had at age 14-15 it was really bad. I just felt totally worthless, ugly, unloved, a waste of space and time and money. Who would notice if I went away? There were a lot of times when I just thought: "What's the point?" I spent 8th grade being depressed. I spent 9th grade being angry. Angry with myself, angry with them, angry with the world. All I thought was that I was going to be better than them, succeed better than them. I would show them that brains would triumph over popularity. And even now when I see that I have done better than them I feel such malice that I'm almost ashamed. But it also makes me feel that it was worth it. 
By the end of 8th grade I had figured that if I went ahead and killed myself it would be the same as letting them win. I was stubborn enough not to let them and no matter how pitiful I thought I was I didn't think that they were worth enough to give them my pitiful life. So I struggled on and in hindsight I guess it was worth it. I have been described as strong by other people, and not physically strong but mentally. 

It has had some effects, though. Although my self-esteem isn't at rock-bottom it isn't exactly high either. One single mistake can make me break down completely and suddenly I believe myself to be completely worthless again. It's easier for me to believe that I'm worthless than to believe I'm actually good at something. It's easier for me to believe that no one really likes me than to believe that I have people who love me. Also seeing or hearing someone calling me ugly still strikes really close to home. Sure, I know not everyone can think I'm pretty (heck, I don't even think I'm that pretty) but actually hearing it hurts more than it should. I have never considered myself to be the pretty one. I've never considered myself being worth-while. And the fact that I'm so shy, quiet and ridiculously polite in new situations, new environments and with new people all originates from a desperate need of wanting people to like me. Cause although I know deep down that I have talents and that I have friends and people who love me, my greatest fear is still that this, all these good things, is a dream and that I'll someday wake up and discover that nothing has changed and I'm still all alone. 

To keep that red thread...
Music has been my way of escape. Music and books have been my way of escape since I was 10. Music didn't really come around until I was about 13 and I wanted music that touched my heart and made me feel like it spoke to me directly. That the lyrics were all about me. Lyrics that could make me cry. Music that was so beautiful I could just lie in bed and listen to it all day long. That's when music became important to me. The songs I listened to the most were these:

So this is how music became important to me and why I needed it. And a bit about what I was doing for four hours on the train :P Feels kind of "not again -.-" to make a post like this, but well... I have done some more and if you're interested in reading them click here

Saturday, 5 May 2012

The US has done it again!

I need to make a rant, yet again. I need to make a new rant about the US, cause they've done it again. Seriously, what's wrong with that country and its people? :@ One of the blogs I follow is Blag Hag. It's a blog made by a "a liberal, geeky, nerdy, scientific, perverted feminist atheist" and she lets me know every now and then how completely fucked up America is. Land of dreams? Land of freedom? My ass. The latest post (writing this) is about a new billboard-thingy they've come up with to escape from the reality of global warming. This picture in the post first caught my attention:
The post explains the picture. I don't even wanna write about it. It's too fucked up. It's too... well, just too everything! But apparantly I apply to either of the following: murderer, tyrant, madman. Cause otherwise there would be no reason for me to belive in global warming right? I can't even...

Although it will mess up the entire world I almost hope that Yellowstone will erupt and make that big-ass crater out of America. 





And some old posts that are relatable to this:

Keep on railing at what I believe
Call me insane and I'm proud to be

Friday, 4 May 2012

Love mist

Warning! Delirious love annotations ahead.

Feels like I owe you a real post, but the last two weeks have been completely... off. I don't even know how to describe it; partly extreme joy, partly despair. Sometimes I don't even know what happened or how it happened. But it did and well, I'm pretty much stuck in a love mist at the moment.

In March I started talking to a guy online. I found him very interesting and he felt the same way and we decided we'd meet up at Metaltown in June. But after a few weeks of talking we considered meeting up earlier and on April 17th I got on a train. We live almost 600 km apart and the train takes 4 hours. I was extremely nervous when he picked me up at the station, and he was too. I could barely talk. We got to his place and sat around in his sofas, zapping around on the TV. The nerves started to go away but I was still so very shy. Then we went to bed and he held my hand. I couldn't sleep cause my heart was racing so fast and had to let go or I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all. The next day it didn't feel at all weird when he held me and when he kissed me I felt like my heart would pop out of my chest. Later that day we went out for sushi and then we met up with some of his friends. We all ended up at their favourite bar for some chill drinks. I don't even remember what we did Thursday... Going back home on Friday was hard. I really liked the guy and going off to my train I felt sad having to leave and all the time it felt weird not having him by my side, like something was missing, and I had only known him IRL for three days!

I was home for almost four days before I went back to him to be with him for his five days off. This was last week April 24th - 30th. Being able to hold him again felt like a huge relief. That evening was just cuddles. The next day we went to a bar that was hosting a stand-up show and had some great time with his friends, then we moved along to their favourite bar for a short while. Thursday was all staying at home. We watched one of my DVDs (Monsters vs Aliens) and he cooked delicious food. We also had a go at his Xbox 360. Friday we went to Stockholm to watch The Avengers at the premiere. Awesome movie! Great fun. Saturday was party time, although most of the people who were supposed to show up cancelled we had a lot of fun anyway. After starting out at his place we went down to the favourite bar again. Some local band was reuniting so they wanted to see them and they were really good :) This night I got so wasted, and let's not even talk about the hangover... But the night ended wonderfully with cuddling and deciding that we were now together. Sunday was the most fun day. Along with the friend we hung out with the day before we decided to go back to the favourite bar for, what they called, a pick-me-up. Sunday turned out to be a greater day than Saturday. There were a lot of fun people there that they knew and we sat with them. We started cheering really loudly and messing up the table, then it just got crazy. There was beer and cider everywhere. And ice. Someone came up with the brilliant idea to shove ice down someone's shirt and then the war broke out. The war continued when one of them brought out a drink with whipped cream on top. Out of nowhere we started throwing whipped cream on each other. Five or six of those later... Well you can imagine. We switched table five or six times cause the tables just got too messy. All in all awesome evening. Monday it was time for me to go back home. I had a kind of pressure over my heart all day. Then when I got off at the station and left him on his train for work I had to think to remember to breathe. Just breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I'm going back again on Tuesday. But being away from him is lonely. I miss him every minute of every day all the time. It's empty.

This is so not like me getting this wound up over a guy... How's he doing this? This is just so not like me...

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Nerdiness of April

Harry Potter. Skyrim. The Sims 2. ScaryGirl. Plants vs Zombies. Rayman. Game of Thrones. Mad Men. ANTM. No Ordinary Family. Nightwish. Music.

Harry Potter. It will be a bigger thing when that name won't appear on my list of nerdiness... Although this month there hasn't been a lot. Sure I've been hanging out at that Swedish community as per usual. I've looped this video a few times. I showed this video to Toni and he can't seem to get it out of his head (hilarious). Oh and yes Pottermore opened for everyone. I got Love into making an account just to see which House he would get sorted into and he turned out a Slytherin. Well, he could fit into any House. Then Kajsa decided to make a new account because she was so displeased with ending up in Slytherin (she really doesn't fit in there) and redo the Sorting Hat test. She ended up in Hufflepuff exactly as she wanted to and was really happy about it xD I'm satisfied with being in Slytherin. Because of all the hype around Pottermore opening I ended up making a few potions again.

Skyrim. So I finally got my stuff together and tried out the game. I really like it :D Although now I'm stuck, which is somewhat good timing cause I need to write that dissertation anyway. But I'll probably have to do a few sidemissions before going back to the main one cause I can't seem to get past that troll that blows me to pieces in two hits.

The Sims 2. I've gotten a little tired of it. But I still play at times. My Japanese family recently had twins. Other than that I have nothing new to report.

ScaryGirl. I've played through the demo twice now and I really like the game. I'm actually considering to buy it, but I'm not sure. Why? Cause I find the demo somewhat difficult (I suck) and I think the full game would really be something I would just rage quit on. Somewhat like Alice Madness Returns...

Plants vs Zombies. Playing through the game on my DS. It's a little different feeling from being used to playing it on the PS3. However I still like the game, but I feel a little rusty. Gotta get more practice! Didn't have enough time last time, my DS died on me...

Rayman. I've completed about 20% of the game on my DS which is the furthest I've ever come. But I'm doubting that I'll get much further. As mentioned before I'm kind of sucky at games although I love playing.

Game of Thrones. This series is so goddamn awesome! Tyrion and Daenerys are my favourites. Can't wait til next episode. It bothers me a bit that each season is only 10 episodes long, but at least that's better than BBC's Sherlock which is only 3 episodes per season.

Mad Men. The new season doesn't have me starstruck like the other ones did. I hate Megan. I want to see more Sally. I watch with glee and malice how Betty struggles. And just the sight of Sterling bothers me. And is it only me or does Don seem a little boring in this season? And it needs more Joan!

ANTM. This season is getting interesting. Could it be that America's Next Top Model is a Brit? That would be so awesome. I was very disappointed when Azmarie was sent home but Sophie keeps getting more and more awesome. And I think I'm getting attached to Alisha as well.

No Ordinary Family. Finished the first and only season. A second season of this series would've been so awesome. The series really improved in the second half of the season and it could've gotten really great if it was only allowed to conitnue. Americans just don't know what good TV is, if they did all the good series wouldn't be discontinued. Yes, I'm looking at you Heroes and Firefly.

Nightwish. The concert three weeks ago was just amazing. I was really tired when writing the review and it turned out really crappy. But honestly, the Nightwish one felt so much more amazing than the Within Temptation one. I keep hoping that Nightwish will be one of the final names to be revealed for Metaltown. I want them there so bad.

Music. There has been so much music lately. I'm completely stuck at a bunch of groups now. My post The past hour shows this pretty well. Stone Sour, KoRn, Staind, Sixx:A.M., Alice Cooper, Slipknot, Marilyn Manson, The Pretty Reckless, Avenged Sevenfold, Skid Row, Mr. Big, Mötley Crüe, Guns n' Roses, KISS, Nightwish, Within Temptation, Lordi... The list keeps on going and I just want more and more and more...