Wednesday, 29 September 2010


A post in the middle of my study-for-the-exam-week. I'm so tired of it now. I just want to do that exam and get that stupid book out of my face. Tomorrow is my day of doom and by then I will know just what kind of cruel questions my teachers will have in store for me. Hopefully I'll get away with a B. A B is what I aim for, but I study with an A in mind. I want that A so badly. Anyway, wish me luck! And I will go through this hell once a month! Maybe Economics was a little too much...

On another note I've fallen in love with kendo again. You know how some people always want to become good at something immediately? I'm one of those. And to be able to return to the Beginners' Practice Sessions and know all the basics feels great. I'm treated like one of the senpai which is completely awesome. I used to hate being motodachi (reciever of hits) and to wear the full bogu (armour) with that helmet that made me feel slightly claustrophobic, but now I don't mind and I even liked being motodachi on yesterday's training =D Life is great. Here's a little something for you who don't know what I'm talking about to see for yourselves what kendo looks like. (I know it looks weird and goofy before knowing what it's all about, but it looks a little cool too right?)

And I wish I could write about important things that I want to write about, but right now my brain is so wired with marketing that I can't really stop thinking about it :/

Monday, 13 September 2010


I thought a lot about this the last few days. Don't know why, it sort of just popped into my head. Anywho I realised that fears are a lot more interesting and fun than likes. If you ask people what they fear you probably get more varied and weird answers than if you ask what they like.

Me, for example, I don't fear what people usually think a girl fears. I'm not afraid of bugs or spiders or wasps or snakes or heights or anything like that. I don't like bugs and spiders but as along as they are not physically on me or in my face I don't really care if they are in the same room as me. Heights never bothered me. OK, I'm high up in the air, it will hurt if I fall, then I wont fall. There are however a few things that I am afraid of. The physical things are pigeons and sea gulls because they look scary, they are ugly and they are not afraid of me. I'm also afraid of clowns and man-sized dolls. I can't watch the part with the clown in Scary Movie 2 and the only scary things in Saw are the friggin' man-sized dolls! I liked to go to the circus as a child, but I never ever enjoyed the clown's performance.

Then there are some serious stuff that I'm afraid of. The first one is being the centre of attention, with everyone's eyes on me, watching me and listening to every word I say. I don't like this kind of attention, not even on my own birthday. That's why I can't make a proper speech or a good performance. That's why I can't remember what happened on the stage afterwards. I black-out. It all started with my classmates being mean to me in middle school because I talked too fast, that made me conscious of the way I talked. Then they started teasing me for the way I dressed and my appearance, which made me too self-conscious. Now I'm not really bothered by that anymore and I don't expect the mean comments anymore, but the fear of going up on that stage is rooted so deep within me that I don't really know how to get rid of it. But I want, oh, how I want to be able to be that girl. The one who self-confident can walk up on that stage, catch the eyes of everyone and be comfortable with it. The one who makes a speech or a performance in such a good way that the people watching and listening remember it. I want to, but how do I get rid of black-outs, shaking and nerves?

The other serious thing I'm afraid of is being left alone and becoming suicidal again. Before 10th grade, before everyone switched schools to go into a self-chosen program and study in a different town with completely different people, I was alone. I had a few friends, but I didn't meet with them often or feel that certain strong connection. I did not fear death (I don't even now), I was depressed and lonely and suicidal for five years and I was convinced that my life was one of those unimportant ones, the accidental ones. But after 10th grade I started getting friends, more friends, closer friends. I started to feel love and gradually the darkness left. I had a short suicidal period in 11th grade but it was insignificant compared to the other things. But now because of all those things that happened before, my biggest fear is for my life to become like that again. I'm terrified of one day waking up and discover that everything is gone or that it all was a dream and that I'm once again 14 years old and miserable. Another thing that has lingered is the lack of fear of death. Where it is the most noticeable is when I cross streets. I usually never check the crossings before crossing them. It doesn't occur to me to do so. Not even when I have my iPod plugged in and can't hear the cars I watch. But I promise, the cars will stop if you walk right out in front of them. They will stand on the brakes and they will stop. But what happens behind those cars is a whole different story!

This post turned out a little depressing. Sorry 'bout that ^^; Now I have revealed my fears. What are yours?

Monday, 6 September 2010

More school

So my first real school week has just kicked off and I'll have the first lecture of my first course, Marketing, in about 3½ hours. I'm looking forward to it, Marketing seems interesting and I enjoy reading my course books :) Since that last post I've started to relax more around the people in my class, ofc it's not until Friday I will know what people are in my course group, but I don't feel at all that left out as I did before. It's a litlle difficult to have seminars with 275 people all at once so ofc we are divided into smaller groups.

For the first time since 12th grade I have to study again. It feels a little weird and I have to get used to being constantly tired again. But studying for about three to four hours a day should be enough to manage the course, while reading the books I understand how lucky I've been to grow up with all these terms, with my dad owning his own company and Mum being an accountant. I've heard them discussing economics for as long as I can remember. This will be tough but interesting and, if I dare say so, fun. Having a lot of work is stressful, sure, but at the same time it's fun to do something important and the feeling of completion you get when it's finished is priceless :D However, I'm gonna study I need to start to take care of myself. When I study I get so caught up in everything that I forget basic needs like drinking and eating. Eating is not a problem. I can skip lunch and still keep going, that's not too hard. But if you don't drink anything the whole day... The head kind of starts to hurt.

That's all for now I guess. Wish I could write about something more interesting :/ But that's hard until something happens :P

The lecture isn't for another three hours so now it's nappy time and then some shopping and lunch :)

Thursday, 2 September 2010


So school is up again and I'm in for something completely new and still it's the same old stuff. I thought my first term of Economics at univeristy would be inexcusably boring but it turned out quite interesting and fun. The only problem is socialising.

I'm not a social person. I listen rather than talk and I never take the first step. I'm shy and awkward in the beginning and I spent the entire first day on my own. I'm not bothered by being alone actually. It feels pretty good to be able to do whatever during breaks etc, but it feels a little lonely when it comes to lunch and I find myself not having anyone to sit down and have lunch with.

Luckily we were divided into small work groups as soon as the second day and almost immediately a guy started talking to me. He's nice and I seem to have at least some things in common with him, which is impressive considering that I can't be called anything less than a misfit in this class. Everyone is fashionable and wear branded clothes and fake tans... I feel like a sore thumb, but I haven't noticed any staring so I'm probably overthinking it, I mean we are supposed to be grown-ups right? ;) Anywho, it's already the fourth day and I still feel awkward around my new "friend". Wonder if he's up to the challenge of breaking through to me.

Oh well, we've only just started and it will probably be better. I started this year preparing for the worst. I was waiting in anticipation and fear. Anticipation for all the new stuff, the challenging studies. Fear for it to become like old times. But I had already agreed with myself that if I could handle it for 8 years (2nd to 9th grade) then I pretty darn well can handle 4 years if it should come to that. I don't think so, but I'd rather it didn't come as a shock :P