According to law I'm an adult. I'm a grown person. But I still feel like an unsecure child a lot of the time. I'm not absolutely sure who I really am yet. I still discover new things about myself. Does that ever end? Do real adults feel the same?
But this is what I do know:
I'm a free spirit locked up. I yearn to do what I want to because I want it. I want to be able to completely give in to whims. I want to not care what other people think or worry about how they pecieve me. I want to be me without them always hovering over me, making me smaller and even more insignificant. I want to feel secure in my own body and feel beautiful without people having to convince me. I want to be sure of my own abilities without having to push myself to the limit. I want to be socially able. Instead I'm introverted and shy and I don't do things without pushing myself out of my barrier. The only one standing in my way is myself and it's ridiculous.
I want to change, but still keep me. I want to be more open and less afraid. I want to live bold and fearless and keep nothing locked up inside. How do I do that? I want to learn by doing and living instead of reading about it.
So I'm going to continuously keep asking myself what it is that I really want. What do I want? Not for the future. I don't do that. How would I know anything about where I would be in five years, or even in one? I deal with things as they come along. That's my philosophy of life and has been for the last year and at least I have that. Now I want to deal with my insecurities once and for all. I want to deal with my not being able to let go. I want to let go.
So from tomorrow and onwards I'll try to open up and stop caring about what other people think about me. I'm me and they'll have to deal with that. I'll blog about whatever improvement I make and I'll try to remember that even the small details are victories.
From now on I'm going to stop hiding.