Monday, 30 May 2011

Dixi's first day out!

First real day of summer vacation today and I thought I'd seize the moment and take Dixi out for a walk in the park. It was her first time outdoors and although she's pretty used to the portable cage by now she's not that fond of her harness (It's so pretty! It's pink with skulls on!). So she was a little grumpy when I put the harness on. But as soon as I opened the cage in the park she seemed to soon forget about the harness and trotted away, with me and Love doing our best to keep up! She seemed to enjoy herself and in the end she didn't seem to want to go back home. I will do this more!
Here are four pictures from today (click for larger):

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Mother Knows Best

I had my last exam yesterday and I hope I did well, it felt way better leaving than I thought it would so hopefully I passed :)

Today is Mother's Day in Sweden and so we went to my grandmother's place. We had some cake and talked, the adults had some coffee :P

Since she is moving out from her house with a large garden into a flat this summer she has a lot of things she's been looking through and asked us if we wanted some of it. Nostalgia flowed as she asked us (me and my sister) if we wanted to keep the toys we used to play with before. My sister kept them all :) We also made a trip down to the basement where she kept all our old fairy tales and Disney books and jigsaw puzzles. Some of them were way too dear to us to let go of. In a little more than a week we will be selling some of our old childhood things at a local flea market. Will be great for all of us if we can get rid of some old stuff ;)

Since it's Mother's Day I will share this with you, from my new favourite Disney film:

Thursday, 26 May 2011


I'm sitting here preparing for my last final exam in French. I have already finished the exams for grammar, composition and speaking, and this time the subject is... literary history. French literary history from the Middle Ages to the 20th century and while I'm sitting here I'm trying my hardest not to think: What's the point? But that's what I do. All the while I'm trying to remember the names and most important bibliography of a huge array of French writers, I continuously think "What's the point?".

The reason we got for studying this seemingly pointless subject was that the French are very proud of their history, including their literary history, and that there would be a time when we would be very glad to have this knowledge. I would so much have liked to have told my teacher that I know three French people and I've never had any reason whatsoever to discuss literary history with them. I'm fairly certain thar her reason only applies if you actually hang around the kind of people who are really interested in their literary history.

It's not that difficult until I come to the 19th century. Most of the French literary history all the way from Middle Ages through to the 18th century and the Revolution is actually covered in our secondary school's teachings in general literary history. But I thought I had outgrown general education. I thought I finished that part of our educational system when I entered university.

This course isn't only about learning the names and bibliography of old French writers, no, it's also about reading. But that's a good thing. I know you need to read and come in contact with the language a lot to actually learn that specific language, but the books our teacher assigns us... I love fantasy!!! This term she assigned us existentialistic works by Albert Camus, Simone de Beauvoir, Émmanuel Carrère and Annie Ernaux. Joy of joys. Next term I've heard that we are reading 19th century authors. But! We won't be reading the fun and interesting books of Victor Hugo, Alexandre Dumas or Jules Verne, no, we will be reading realistic works from the likes of Balzac. I heard that we actually will be reading Balzac. In French. Joy.

Thing is that I love French. I love the language. It's beautiful. But it has always been a hardship to study. Partly because it's hard for me to find any real and lasting friends amongst the people who study French. Partly because the French teachers are really stuck up and without a sense of humour, which makes the classes very boring and strict facts-like. All these boring classes and people cut down my enthusiasm and lately I've been questioning my choice of career more oftenly. Maybe I should give up on the French and Translator education and return to Japanese and study linguistics in that language? But as soon as I think that my stubborn side kicks in every time. No, I like this language. I will finish it. I will become a translator. I have time for both French and Japanese, but French has to come first. Swallow the bitterness and keep on going. Maybe next term there will be some new people? Some interesting people. Some fun people.

I have just one year left. One year! I feel like it's too close to quit now. I'm too close. I won't give up. I'm exhausted from all these exams so close on eachother. I will keep on fighting.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Call of Cthulhu RPG #4 - the end

We get a flat tyre. It takes about half an hour to fix and Castle drives by without stopping to help. Finally we arrive at the law firm and there is Castle. A somewhat bleach looking man meets up with us and asks us if we want to cooperate with Castle and explore the house to find out if Cornthwraithe is dead or alive as they have a will to consider. We find out that a sheriff Whitford have been in the house and had a quick look around. We go to visit him. He looks angry when we mention Corthwraithe's name. Smith explains the situation But the sheriff refuses to go anywhere near "the damned house". When we ask he says that he couldn't get down into the basement. At the farm "next door" there's an expensive horse missing.

We have ourselves a meal before we set out for the house again. During dinner Castle shows us a note  he found in the house. Cornthwraithe have written that something had killed his staff during the expedition and that it had followed him back. Something green in a temple. The waitress tells us that it was a rich man who built the house about 60 years ago. Both of his sons were in the Civil War. One of them died. The other came home shell shocked and killed his entire family and himself. In the 1890's Arthur Curwen's family moves there. He goes crazy and kills his family with an axe and then disappeard. Three years later and older couple moves there and they died from old age. Three years after that Cornthwraithe moved in.

We drive to the neighbour to ask about the horse. The farmer is pissed at us for disturbing him in his dinner. The horse was in the pen closest to Cornthwraithe's house. We drive back to the house and start exploring the overgrown garden. Castle says that some of the plants are from the tropics. Castle tumbles on a tree root he swears wasn't there a minute ago. We continue and Carling gets whipped by branches. Carling clears up with the axe he found in the garden and then throws the axe into the largest tree there is. A lot of water rushes out on him. The road is blocked by a fallen tree. We climb over the trunk but as it starts to get dark we return to the cars. There is absolutely no sign of animal life. We enter the house and try out the electricity. There is in some rooms. We put some beds in the library. Then we explore the kitchen. There is no water and no gas. In the kitchen is the doors to the cellar. Can't open the dooes. Not even when we remove the hinges. We check the attic instead. There is a trunk that has blown up from the inside. It's glittering inside. Inside are jungle expedition stuff. Sophie graps the machete and Carling grabs the revolver. Keep looking around the attic and Castle falls through the floor. The light goes out. Sophie lights her lighter and Carling makes a torch. Castle is in a room with no doors or windows and he's staring at a rotting corpse and a bloody axe. We've found Arthur Curwen. Castle takes a picture after he has climbed back through the floor. We exit the attic and enter the library. Put salt in doors and windows.

We all sleep very badly. There are absolutely no sounds from the garden. Should be more sounds. We rise at dawn. There's a knock on the entrance door. Castle puts salt in the door and opens it. There is a hooded man with an axe. Castle closes the door. The man tries to enter. He says his name is Stan and that he's from the local newspaper. He says he found the axe in the garden. Smith grabs the axe and we bring him to the kitchen. The doors are still closed. Stan can't open the doors. Carling gives him the crowbar. Stan gives it to Castle. Castle pries but it doesn't open. Stan takes it from him and continues to pry. The door is torn off. Down there it's dark, moist and it's dripping. We light the lamp and go downstairs. Bones from small animals all over the floor. Water damages. Earth floor. Hatch to a  coal cellar. Pokes around the coal, but there's nothing there. We exit the basement and move on to the room with trophies from Cornthwraithe's expeditions on the second floor. Castle closes the hatch to the attic. In the room there are a lot of artefacts taken directly from temples. The statues seem to glare at us accusingly. Smith absorbes herself in the history and tells Sophie to not steal anything. Sophie and Carling goes to see how Stan is doing (He went to the toilet). Castle stays with Smith. We knock on the toilet door. No answer. The door is unlocked but unable to open.. Then it clicks and opens a little. The door opens and the room is filled with water. Stan is in the middle of it. Dead. A tentacle shoots out for us. We run towards the bedroom (where there were salt in doors and windows). Castle and Smith comes along with us. The salt is no longer intact and the water enters the room. Water all over the house. Castle and Sophie jumps out through the window (second floor). Carling and Smith har hold back by the water. Smith waves the axe. More tentacles and a face appears. She jumps out through the window as soon as she's free. Castle and Sophie runs for the cars. Smith runs around the house. Carling follows Smith. The creature screamed when Carling slipped away. Castle and Sophie drive away. Sophie puts salt in the windows of the cars. They hear a crash behind them. Smith has gone temporarily crazy and crashed her car. Carling runs for it but gets shot by Smith. Sophie and Castle drive off. Come back to the village and visit the closest doctor. Sophie gets the sheriff who whiten considerably when he hears of the dead body. Smith comes into the doctor's carried by a stranger (broken leg). Castle leaves pretty soon after that.

Two weeks later Smith and Sophie drive back to the house. Sophie puts the house on fire and everything burns down and the creature screams. They drive back to New York, there Sophie sells the machete, the tie-pin and the cigar box

Inte idag

Mors lilla lathund sa:
Du må tro jag jobbar bra,
fastän vet du vad;
inte just idag,
jag gör det helst en annan dag.
Mors lilla lathund sa:
Ingen kan så bra som jag,
men tycker du som jag,
tycker du som jag;
så gör jag det en annan dag:
Tra-la-la-la imorrn då ska jag knoga
hela dess långa dag,
ja, oj, oj, oj vad jag ska gno

Ja och för ser du, därför så måste jag
ta det väldigt lugnt idag,
jo för just idag
går det inte bra,
jag gör det helst en annan dag:
Tra-la-la-la imorrn då ska jag knoga
hela dess långa dag,
ja, oj, oj, oj vad jag ska gno
Ja, för ser du mors lilla lathund sa:
jag gillar att jobba bra
men tycker du som jag,
tycker du som jag:
så gör jag det en annan dag.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

Farther away

My beloved Tokyo is farther away from me now than what it was a year ago. After the 9.0 earthquake in March the Japanese island of Honshu (where Tokyo is) moved 4 m further east and it sank about 66 cm. Considering that it sounds pretty small, they are huge figures.

Sometimes I start to think that if I had waited another year to go to Tokyo. If I had waited another year I would have been 20 years old in Tokyo and I would've been an adult there too. But on the other hand I would've been there during the earthquake and tsunami and it's frightening enough to watch videos on YouTube and see the pictures...

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

That's just the way I work

In the Grey's Anatomy episode we watched just a little while ago there was a school shooting. That whole scenario dug up a lot of crap that I thought I had dealt with and now I just can't seem to do anything. I want to talk about it with people, but I don't want to come across as depressed or attention-seeking or needy. I just want to be able to tell my version of the story without having my facts and experiences shoved back down my throat and told that it's not so.

The whole thing started when I said that I sympathised with the shooter. This could easily be percieved the wrong way. No, I have no desire of shooting someone. I had once but despite my will to kill my tormenters by common sense kept telling me that it wouldn't help me or cure my mind. I'm not mentally sick (not any more than the average person anyway) but I had MDD (Major depressive disorder) once. This diagnosis was never given to me by a doctor, it's something I figured out by myself when I studied psychology in 12th grade. All the symptoms in the book matched me at the age of 10-16. As quoted from Wikipedia:
Although it is common for most children and teenagers to feel down or sad sometimes, a smaller number of youth experience a more severe phenomenon known as depression. Such young people, who are often described as "clinically" depressed, feel sad, hopeless, or irritable for weeks or even months at a time. They may lose interest in activities that they used to enjoy (e.g., playing with friends), their sleeping and eating habits often change (i.e., they may eat or sleep either more or less than usual), and they may have trouble thinking or paying attention, even to TV programs or games. Depressed children may often display an irritable mood rather than a depressed mood, and show varying symptoms depending on age and situation. Most lose interest in school and show a decline in academic performance. They may be described as clingy, demanding, dependent, or insecure. Diagnosis may be delayed or missed when symptoms are interpreted as normal moodiness.
I had a time when most of my free time was composed of lying on my bed, staring up the ceiling and listening to Evanescene. Tears used to stream down my face and get into my ears, but despite the tears I used to be totally void of emotion lying there. It was easier to just lie there void of feelings than to actually be up and curse the world and the people and deal with all that anger and resentment. Constant anger is exhausting. My point is that I do not desire to kill anybody, but I do understand where the feelings come from. I understand people who want to. Either my common sense just works the way it's supposed to or I'm to smart for it. But I didn't kill myself, although I wanted to many times. One reason is that I didn't have the courage cause my ability to imagine pain is too great. Another reason was that if I killed myself it would be the same as letting them win. They would be given my life, and no matter how much I thought my life sucked I knew that they of all people didn't deserve to win. So I clinged. I stubbornly clinged and when all of this is dug up I still cling not to fall. When I think back nowadays I really did want to kill them at the time. I wanted to end my misery. But I felt helpless. Where does a 14-year-old "innocent" girl in a small town without anyone who has any questionable contacts get a gun in Sweden? The killings of my tormenters were banished to my imagination.

People are surprised by the amount of people that are killed in school shootings. Like bullying is only reserved for a few people. In 7th grade the bullying turned from silly but hurtful childrens' teasing to the severe type. From 7th to 9th grade I was severely bullied and it's not something that only a handful of people from my own class did. In my year there were 8 classes. The year number followed by the letters A-H. Since it was in a small town people in all classes knew each other and so people from every class bullied me. So what's 24 x 8? 192.

I still get that thirst for revenge. Revenge for destroying my childhood. Revenge for forcing me to grow up ahead of time. Revenge for destroying me mentally. At Wikipedia some of the effects of bullying are listed and I apply for almost all of them:
Dombeck says that as a forty-year-old man, he still feels the effects of the bullying he received as a ten-year-old. Every day, he would dread riding the bus home from school because he was bullied by the older children on the bus. Dombeck defines some common short-term and long-term effects of bullying. These include, but are not limited to:
  • depression
  • suicide (bullycide)
  • anxiety
  • anger
  • significant drop in school performance
  • abiding feelings of insecurity
  • lack of trust
  • extreme sensitivity (hypervigilance)
  • need for revenge
For the short term ones I had depression, I was suicidal, I was so anxious of going to school that I rather skipped it altogether (even at the age of 10) and I used to be angry at the world in general (in some aspects I still am). For the long term ones... Well, I am insecure. That's what I'm trying to deal with at the moment. I don't trust new people. I cry more easily now than when I was a child, figure that one out. And as mentioned above I still want that revenge every now and then. I get a small piece of revenge every time I see that I have succeeded better than they have. When I get confirmation that it was worth the pain of clinging. When I see that they were teen moms, that they work at the cashier at the supermarket or fail their university courses, that's when I feel great. Malice is true joy.

So am I a psycho killer? No, but I sympathise with them. I understand them. That's possible without being one. Some of them were driven there without having much say themselves. And no, it has nothing to do with video games, films or music. It has to do with people. All violence has to do with people and it always has.

So am I mentally ill? No, not more than your average person. I guess my emotions are a little broken and probably beyond fixing. I percieve the world differently from every person I've ever met. I don't know if that has to do with my experiences or with my brain being different in some way. Or maybe I just haven't met the right people. I'm just your average girl with an IQ above average that used to carry the world on her shoulders.

Bullying is getting a lot more attention nowadays than what it did when I was in the middle of it. However I don't believe that there is a way to end bullying. I don't think it can be done. There will always be someone who wants to feel great and does it on someone else's expense.

People also seem to have a general fear of talking about it. They rather seem to want to ignore the problem. Ignoring it wont make it go away. But to acknowledge the problem means having to deal with it and that's what they are truly afraid of, because they don't know how. Letting people coming forward with their stories may help you learn.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Girls Gone Green

After writing my last post I went to my online bookshop and bought a book called Girls Gone Green, by Lynn Hirshfield. It's an American book about American girls trying their hardest to make a difference, the youngest is only 10 years old and have already made a difference to save the polar bears. I spent the last few days reading this book and it left me inspired and hopeful that the future isn't as gloomy as I have made it out to be. A lot of people in my generation from all over the world are trying to make a difference. We buy the pitch the adults sell us of the enivironmental crisis and instead of being depressed  of what the world has come to they, and I, are after the pitch inspired and excited to try and make a difference. That makes me hopeful that when it's us who are middle aged and rule this planet it will look a whole lot different.

The book is divided into seven chapters and conatins a foreword by Hayden Panettiere and an afterword by the author herself. The foreword is written inspiringly about her (Hayden's) devotion for saving the whales, dolphins and ocean. We are the blasted foreward into the first chapter: The Beauty Entrepreneurs and Fashionistas. Three girls of 17, 13 and 14 share their stories. The first story is on beauty products like make up or simple deodorant, toothpaste and shampoo. She and her friends founded Teens Turning Green, a foundation originally created to raise awareness of the harmful toxins that are all over your everyday products, but now they also have their own green products. Connected to this story are also tips of organic and environmentally and healthy alternatives to all your everyday products that will make both you and the planet healthier. There was also this for all the girls, which I've come to love :)
The second story is on a fashionable green product; reusable lunch bags. This is not very current for me, though it's a great thing to stop wasting all those brown paper bags. However, she made me want to buy a fair amount of canvas bags for grocery shopping.
The third and last story for the chapter is on clothes. This 14-year-old girl remakes her old outgrown clothes into new fashionable items. This isn't really something for me to do as I don't really get along with sewing machines. In craft class in school I used to do more untacking than actual sewing. But it's a great idea for handy people. However, we are given four websites. On three of them you can buy green clothing; EMA, Some Odd Rubies and Roxy. On the fourth one you can give away your old dresses for charity.

Then the second chapter begins; The Animal Advocates. Four girls of 16, 18, 10 and 15 tell their stories. The first story is on the Manatees, beautiful and endangered creatures I saw at the aquarium in Seoul. In her story she's invited to visit HSWRI and later founds Kids Making a Difference, which turns into "an award-winning, nationally recognized nonprofit organization". After her story we are introduced to her role model Jane Goodall, who has done great work on chimpanzees, and her organization Roots & Shoots.
The second story is about a girl from NYC doing everything she can to clean up the Bronx River and preserve the waterlife there. After her story we are introduced to NWF and their work on protecting the wildlife in America.
The third story is about the 10-year-old girls rallying to save the polar bears. She's blogging about her passion and has recently also gotten into saving honey bees. Honey bees are disappearing at an alarming rate and nobody seems to know why.
The fourth and final story is of a girl from Hawaii, trying her best to keep the beaches and oceans of Maui beautiful and toxin free. Her biggest problem are cigarette butts that pollute the beaches and the water. Her father has an organization that try to save the ocean, whales and dolphins through understanding and appreciation. At the end of this chapter we are given some information about animal cruelty and how bad the meat industry and animal testing really are. We are also given a site that can help.

The third chapter is about The Educators and Artists. Two girls of 17 and 16 tell their stories. In the first story we are introduced to a girl who tries to save the rainforests of the world and alongside her stories we are given different tips on how to preserve our trees and forests. One of them being vintage and second hand furniture. We are also given a site that can calculate your carbon footprint and another site with information on different green topics and tips n tricks.
The second story is about 16-year-old girl feeling helpless in the massmedia of the climate crisis. She's not yet of age and feels as if she has no say in anything. Then she comes up with an idea to make herself and children from all over the world heard. A quilt. Each square on the quilt is from a child somewhere and that square represents that child's thoughts on the climate and environment. After her story we are treated some information on clothes; where do they come from? what are they made of? and the website of three green housewives sharing green tips and tricks for your home.

Halfway through! Here begins chapter four: The Recyclers. Along with the story of an 18-year-old girl from Alaska we are given great information on recycling and plastics. This girl fought for a recycling center in her hometown and tried to give the inhabitants information on the importance of recycling and why their landfill was filling up so quickly. Two sites from the chapter: here and here.

Chapter five is about The Growers and Grocers. Two girls of 17 and 15 share their stories of growing organic foods. The first girl got her whole bording school into having their own farm patch at campus, growing their own vegetables for the dining hall. She also talked the school administration into only buying organic food. Along with her story we are treated tips on how to eat healthy and not only conquer the climate crisis but also obesity. This girl also gives her very own recipe for pesto. Before the next girl's story starts Ellen Page treats us to some info on how to grow your own veggies and herbs - without a garden!
In the second story the girl tells us how her neighbourhood was given a small patch of land to work - in central LA! This contributed to a lot of relationships between the people living there and all the families and their children were able to grow their own foods and work the earth. The patch of land was later lost, but that didn't stop the South Central Farmers. At the end of her story we are also given a website where we can give back to society and a recipe for organic whole wheat shortbreads.

Chapter 6 is called The Defenders of Air, Land and Water. Here four girls of 17, 18, 18 and 18 tells their stories on how to protect the very elements around them. The first story is from a girl telling us of how she and her father got asthma and respiratory problems respectively when her family moved into the city and started breathing the polluted air. She later fights against a plant that is planned to be built in her neighbourhood. At the end of her story we are given some tips on how to be an activist.
The second story is from a Native American girl fighting to protect her clan's sacred mountains from becoming a ski resort.
The third one is from a girl who wanted to help New Orleans after Katrina and went there when she turned 18. There the new buildings were built green from sustainable resources and when she got back home she applied what she had learned about green building techniques to the people in charge of the construction project that was underway at her school. At the end of this story we learn a few things about forests and trees and the final thing of this story is some tips of how the small things you change matter.
The fourth girl's story is of UNICEF's tap project and how she tried to raise awareness that having clean water isn't something to be taken for granted. She also encourages us to join Disney's Friends For Change.

The final chapter 7 is called The Environmental Scientists and Green Engineers. Three girls of 16, 18 and 16 tell their stories.
The first story is of a girl who got really interested in wind power and got her school to build a wind turbine on their premises. She encourages us to learn everything there is to learn about alternative energy. We are also given a link to Lick Global Warming.
The second story is of a girl who wants to help clean the soil from metals and she has found a way to do this with the help of oranges and other citrus fruits. Here we are given a link to Green Works Cleaners.
The final story of the book is about a girl who wants to raise awareness that the better pumped your car's tires are the less fuel you use up. Here we are given a site where you can find environmentally friendly cars.

What's important about this book is that all of the girls succeeded in what they were trying to do and it shows that you can do anything if you want it badly enough. More than just being a book this is a handbook on how to get started and to provide inspiration. My tip for you is to buy this book and read it and then get started. Use the links I've given you if you can't buy the book. The important thing is that everyone does something. It doesn't have to be big, it just needs to be something. Something small, like changing a bad habit. This book gave me hope and it's my wish that everyone else who reads this book will also feel hopeful enough to try and change.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Once again going environmentalistic on you!

I just read this small article which said that after the nuclear crisis in Japan China has frozen their nuclear plans. Instead China has decided to increase their solar power to 50 GW until 2020. Their current level of solar power is 1 GW. That's the kind of incentive we like! If even the country that produces the most CO2 emissions in the world shows the will to change, then why can't countries that have gone so much further do the same?

Could it be that all my old history books made it sound easy? But when they spoke of the hole in the ozon in the 80s, it seems as if all they did was to pull through a legislation that prohibited the use of freon gases and then we were all fine. Is the wallet in more of a pinch now than what it was in those days? Is that the reason why they can't do the same on fossil fuels? Pull through a legislation that prohibits them. Oil, charchoal, all of them! All countries have the possibilities to use environmental friendlt energy. Wind power, water power, solar power, wave power, geothermal energy... The possibilities to use what the Earth gave us are boundless. But science doesn't seem to move forward. When the oil supply truly ends, that's when the scientists will come up with a cheap solution in 24 hours. When we're out of power and out of oil, that's when they start making ideas. At least that's what it seems like. Not even the countries' leaders can decide upon anything.

Wind. I often hear complaints about the wind power stations being ugly and an eyesore to the view. Well, it's true that they are not very attractive. They are like modern windmills :P But perhaps you should let them work on the power stations' efficency before being concerned about how they look? Right now the power is more important that the appearance. Mankind is a sucker for what's pleasing to the eye. But believe me when I say that the appearance of those power stations is a later problem!

Water. I'm not very fond of this one myself. We shouldn't have animals suffer on our expense. Water power destroy the rivers where salmon and other fish swim. We can't have that and thus water is just a temporary solution.

Solar. Extraordinary! Imagine if we were able to use the power the sun gave us. We can. We already do to a small extent. The problem, especially for us in the north, is that they have no way of storing the energy yet. So in summer when we have loads of sun and don't use as much energy we have lots of it, but in winter when we have hardly no sun we have no energy when we need it so badly.

Wave. This one is hardly ever talked about in the current discussions. It should be! This is according to me the best one. It hardly obstructs the landscape and it can give a lot of power. It's a long, long line full of joints and each joint contains a generator. This long line is extracted in the ocean and it floats. Each wave that hits it creates power inside those joints. They know how to store it and they can put as many joints as they want on those lines. What's not to love? Probably loads of things. Please update me so I can be bitter ;)

Geothermal. I envy Iceland for this. All their heating and power comes from inside the earth. This volcanic island doesn't need any other power supplier as they get everything from the ground itself. I'm jealous.

Fusion. Using the power of the sun itself. Producing the same kind of energy that the sun does in space by fusioning atoms. Less dangerous than nuclear, as efficiant and better than oil. Unfortunately money, once again, plays a big role as well as science that has yet to come up with a secure method to actually to this on a big scale.

Nuclear. Oh, nuclear, nuclear, nuclear... I hate it. Get rid of it. Stop. It doesn't matter if you change the material to thorium. It will get rid of the radioactivity and produce the same amount of energy but the procedure itself is dangerous. It's dangerous because it gets out of control sometimes. I've got a theory that might be completely wrong (cause I'm not a molecular scientist) but I believe that the reason it goes out of control so often (often compared to other power plants) is because it's not natural. Fusion is a natural procedure that happens all the time. That's how the universe was created. But I've enever heard of fission in a natural environment. I've never heard of fission happening outside a nuclear plant. Could it be that it spins out of control so much because we force the atoms to do something that's not natural? Anyway. Nuclear. Produces a lot of energy. People love it because of it. Doesn't make it less dangerous. On this page you can click on each country in Europe and see how many active nuclear reactors they have and how many percent of energy nuclear makes up of that country's energy. This is what I made my presentation in French about.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one left ranting about this issue. It was very fashionable to rant about it around the time An Inconvenient Truth was released. But now I feel like I'm the only one left who's still trying to do something. The only one still stubborn enough to try to make people see. Well, then I am. I don't care. I'll keep at it. Why? Because I love this friggin planet just the way it is and I'm more scared to see it fade away in front of my eyes than I am to actually change my lifestyle.

I don't understand how it can be so hard! How can people be so conceited and lazy that they don't walk or use mass transit? How can it be so hard to move your friggin legs? How can it be so hard to change power company? How can it be so hard to be invested in this planet's future? Your home's future.

And I'm a horrible person because I care more about the climate crisis than about what's happening in northern Africa and the Middle East right now. I don't care about what's happening in Libya or Iran or Pakistan because ultimately I can't even begin to try to help them. I can only sit helpless and watch them try to take their first steps in the right direction. Good for them! While they try to make a difference the industrial developed countries sit on their fat conceited asses and watch while the climate's going to hell. I hate money. I abhor money. In the end all problems come down to money and those too greedy to share.

I'm one of "those people". You know, the people who give money to and support WWF (since 2008). I have bought trees, cherished the forest and bought low energy light bulbs. I dispise stand-by mode. I leave my computer on at night because it takes less energy than shutting it down and starting it back up in the morning. I never leave the light on when I exit a room. I never leave the water running while doing the dishes or washing my hands cause I feel bad. I rather walk than drive or take the bus/train/tram. I love animals and I get happy when I see a butterfly. I even considered becoming a vegetarian once, but realised that I love the taste of meat too much and dislike the taste of vegetables too much. I'm one of those who enjoy the small things. Maybe I'm the lucky one. Maybe I'm the unlucky one. But for my life I can't understand how people can't care about all this. I can't understand how people refuse to try to make a change. Why is it so hard? I didn't do all this five years ago. But it wasn't that hard to change it one thing at a time. Change one thing. Make the new thing a habit and then move on to the next thing. Takes about a month on each thing. I promise, you really make it out to be harder than it is.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

The ugly duckling and her pet

A few days ago I saw one of the few ANTM (America's Next Top Model) epsiodes that really touched me. This is cycle 15 and I've almost caught up. In this episode (skip to 3 minutes in to see the photoshoot) the girls were facing harsh words from their past when they all had been teased or bullied about something. It was a swimsuit photoshoot and they had their hurtful word written all over their bodies along with one word that described them now. For example, there is a lesbian girl there who had the word 'queer' written all over her and then she chose the word 'free' to describe her now. Another girl who is 1,88 m tall had the word 'giant' written all over her and she chose the word 'amazon'. It was all really thoughful and I started thinking about what words I would've chosen. The bad one was easy: 'ugly'. The good one was harder, but the positive words I came up with were 'ugly duckling'. Simply because I never looked like the other girls growing up. I've had pretty much the body I have now since I was 12 years old, and being all finished when the other girls had barely even started gave me all the potential for being 'the ugly one'. But now I've come out on the other side and now I do believe that I'm cute/pretty. I still have a hard time believing people when they say I'm beautiful or sexy, but hey, one step at a time... So I truly am the ugly duckling who grew up different from all the others and still came out on the pretty side.

And now let's move on to something less heavy. Yesterday I picked up my beautiful baby girl (interpret that however you want) and although she was kind of shy and timid yesterday she seems to have gotten used to her new environment today. Her she is:
Today she's been curious and quite the explorer. She's been all over the place. Not too long ago she ran around crazily in her cage, jumping, hopping, running...

Sunday, 1 May 2011

End of April, Beginning of May

On April 29th I had my second presentation in French. Once again I was not that well prepared and I thought it'd be another catastrophe like last time. The other group doing their presentation this day went up before us and I had some time practicing and re-reading my script over and over. Going up I felt really nervous. I tried very hard to hold my notes still, but my hands were shaking. I tried to talk as slow as possible without making it sound forced. I did my part and when it was my partner's turn I started to relax more and on the following discussion I actually participated. So I've had a discussion on nuclear power in French! I think what made me relax was that after my presentation I looked around on the people looking up at me and him and I actually thought that it wasn't that bad. They watched me but I felt like I looked good and had done well. Afterwards I asked two of my friends how I had done and said that I had been really nervous. They seemed surprised to hear I had stage fright and said it hadn't shown at all! I feel so proud! =D My two last assignments were done on this day and now all that's left is the final sprint for the final exams. I feel quite good about them.

April 30th is a holiday in Sweden. It's a day where we light big bonfires and celebrate the definite coming of spring. It's one of the few pagan feasts left and one of my three favourite holidays (the other two being Halloween and Lucia). Unfortunately it seems as if the message has been lost and April 30th is nowadays a day of drinking, partying and playing with fire. For this day we had three friends over; Will, Gisela and her boyfriend Kim, and a lot of booze. We started off by watching some comedians (Steve Hughes, Aron Flam, Johan Glans, George Carlin) on YouTube and making drinks, to get in the mood. Halfway through Carlin we decided to kick off a drinking game, which later ended in a session of Truth or Dare. In this game I found myself kissing and making out (two turns) with a friend, writing words with felt pen on a friend's tummy, being rubbed against and asked private questions. But it was all in a good mood and part of the game. No worries anywhere. Went to bed with a feeling of having been at a great party.

Today I had made plans to meet up with a friend, so after a breakfast consisting of leftover cake from the party I took the bus to the town "next door". We did some girl talk while she was cleaning up the last few things in her flat. Then we started to bake. It had been her idea for us to bake something while we talked instead of just sitting somewhere. So we were making muffins with pear. She melted the butter while I cracked 4 eggs and poured sugar into a bowl. Then I misread flour for milk (mjöl and mjölk in Swedish) and poured way too much milk into the bowl. It was only after I realised that it was wrong and we had to start all over again. But since we only had 2 eggs left we had to ask her neighbour for another pair. Then we managed to make everything correctly and I learned how to slice pears ;) I'm not very good in the kitchen and I felt slightly uncomfortable to begin with, but it became fun after I stopped feeling ashamed for having misread the instructions. When the muffins where finished we had one each along with a cup of red tea. It was very cosy sitting there.

On the way home this song scrobbled on my iPod and I had a strange relation to this song being about me and my barriers. My barriers getting in the way of me... kind of. It becomes quite fun if you interpret it that way ;)