I fractured my hand and watched shows for three weeks

On December 2nd I stumbled on the cobblestone streets, fell and landed on my hand, on my way home from work. It hurt but everything still worked so I shrugged it off, went home and went to sleep. Waking up in the afternoon it still hurt, but I could use it somewhat normally. Around noon on December 3rd I discovered that my entire hand was turning blue so I got on the bus to the hospital. 

At the hospital I find out there's a small fracture in one of the bones in the hand so I get my hand, fingers and all the way up to my elbow put into a cast. And I'm put on sick leave until January 6th. I've lost the use of my right arm and hand, unable to play games I spent the following three weeks watching TV shows.

• I caught up on Grey's Anatomy, 1 season.
• I caught up on Bridgerton, 2 seasons.
• I caught up on The Crown, 2 seasons.
• I watched all available seasons of C.B. Strike, 3 seasons
• I caught up on Call the Midwife, 3 seasons
• I watched six seasons of Supernatural

When the cast came off on December 23rd I was so fucking tired of watching TV, yet I continued a bit after the cast had come off because my hand got easily tired and achy at the beginning and I had these rehab exercises I had to do to rebuild muscles.

It was my first time breaking a bone and wearing a cast. Gj, me!

2020 recap

This whole year has been so strange. I remember we welcomed 2020 with Year Zero as the first song played after midnight. It seemed fitting. And in January this year seemed to be like any other year. I got my only international trip done in January and it was a success! In February I went to visit my parents and to celebrate my grandmother's birthday as I usually do. 

Then corona came. At first it seemed like it would be something happening all the way over there. In Asia. Far away from here. Then it broke out in Italy, and when all the Swedes came back from their Alpine skiing trips it broke out here in early March. It was so strange. March is usually a very busy month at the hotel where I work and this year was no exception. We literally watched the hotel go from fully booked to almost empty in less than a week, and for the following weeks all we did were cancellations. Getting a reservation, any reservation, was a cause for celebration. My two following trips to visit my parents were cancelled, the music festival we go to every year was cancelled, and any planes of going abroad again this summer were cancelled. Along with everything that happened came the fear of losing our jobs, and there were a lot of people being let go (with the promise to be reinstated should things return to normal) and most of the people that weren't let go were put on furlough. But even with all the restrictions and all the things happening there was a hope that this would just be a quick thing and by September we would be up and running as normal again. We were basically at war with a virus. An enemy that seemed to have all the advantages no matter what we did. But I dreamed of the day I'd be able to proclaim that we did it! And happily go to work facing a fully booked hotel and 120 arrival rooms on a Monday. Raise Your Horns became my soundtrack for the entire spring of 2020.

The summer came and the amount of new cases went down. People relaxed and with the summer holidays came the summer guests and things almost seemed normal again. July to October was incredibly busy for the amount of staff we had left. The whole summer disappeared in a daze and somewhere around September it started to feel like five years had passed since March. With numbers slowly starting to climb back up to normal and still with the diminished staff caused by corona we all had to work so very hard to keep the place running as smoothly as possible. Head Above Water became my soundtrack for this period. It was the perfect song to make me feel strong enough to face more. 

Then came the second wave in the beginning of November and any hope of us beating this thing within the year dimmed and died. Around the same time I grew sick of all the stupid platitudes people in charge kept feeding us. All the "stay strong"s and "hold on"s made me sigh and roll my eyes. I don't need platitudes anymore, or reassurances. I don't think any of us do. We've been holding on the entire year. We know we have to just bite down and keep on going. What else can we do? Telling us to do so is just a pat on the head, as if we didn't already know. I'm sick of hearing about it, I'm sick of thinking about it, I'm sick of wondering whether I'll get it again. I'm just sick of it all. 

This recap somehow became a fuck 2020 post. But I'll go with it.

There's nothing anyone can do. There's nothing anyone can say. There's little can be done right now to make this go away. Clichéd simple platitudes do naught to quell the dread and the breadth of gravity just send me crawling back to bed. It's useless in this moment to say we'll get through this somehow. There's time enough for action but that time isn't now. Soon we can stop planning for what may come to be, but what I could really use right now is a bacon roll and a cup of tea. I don't need positive affirmations, I need to scream and bawl. The unrealistic expectations won't help with this at all. This is shit. Well, this is shit. I'm not expecting answers, because they're out of your remit. I'm not looking for solutions just someone to admit that this is shit, this is shit, this is shit. You're trying to be helpful and that is always nice. But right now your logic only grates so don't try to give advice. I need someone to rant at who'll not judge or take offense of my incessant fucking swearing and my unfiltered sentiment. So stop the pragmatic intervention just nod and say you'll understand. Pretend I'm not being an unreasonable arsehole and hold on to my hand. This is shit. Oh, this is shit. I'm not expecting answers, because they're out of your remit. I'm not looking for solutions just someone to admit that this is shit, this is shit, this is shit. So let's just sit and quietly get pissed and drunkenly attempt to overanalyze all of this. We may now be bidding the old times goodbye so let's not feel too embarrassed to have a bloody good cry. This is shit. Well, this is shit. I'm not expecting answers, because they're out of your remit. I'm not looking for solutions just someone to admit that this is shit, this is shit, this is shit. 

I'm thirty

So there we go. I'm thirty years old and I can't believe it. I've left my twenties behind, although I still feel like I haven't changed since I was twenty-five. 

Turning thirty in 2020 absolutely sucked. I managed to get two weeks off from work which I had originally planned to use to celebrate. One weekend with friends, one weekend with family and maybe a staycation of two days in a city close by that I haven't really visited before. None of that happened because just as November started the second wave of covid kicked off for real and everything shut down again and multiple new restrictions and rules were put in place. I should've had my birthday in August or something when things were almost normal. 

Instead we celebrated at home. We watched a movie, had some snacks and cake and a fancy dinner, and then we played some games. I also got to celebrate a little bit with Toni's family since his older sister and one of his nieces have their birthdays in the same week as I do. 

I've heard a lot of talk from friends that your 30s are pretty much like your 20s. Time to find out if that's true. I enjoyed my 20s and I'm hoping I'll get to enjoy my 30s as well even if the start was crappy and unlike any other year I've seen. 

I made a Spotify playlist in the honour of my big day :P

This is what covid felt like

At the end of April I got sick with symptoms I had never experienced before. At the time I was busy being sick and didn't think much about it, but afterwards I started to wonder whether I had had the corona virus. So in mid-June when they made testing available for free for everyone in the Stockholm region I decided to reserve a time to get my test done. 

From someone who doesn't get sick this was the worst I can remember ever being. I usually only get one or two three-day colds a year and nothing else. I don't get any of the seasonal flus. So with that in mind...

Even before I got proper symptoms something was strange, and I can't help but think that it's connected. For four or five days before I developed a fever I was so charged up with static that anything made from metal or had metal in it would give me shocks. Door handles, my phone, my laptop, keyboards, cutlery, keys... All the shocks I got on a daily basis ended up giving me a pretty permanent headache for several days. Then I got a stuffed nose which didn't help the headache.

Then came the fever and completely knocked me out. Even when I have my annual three-day cold I usually get a very low fever, enough to make me feel like something is wrong and making me feel tired, but it doesn't knock me right out. This fever made me feel like my head was wrapped in cotton and my brain was swimming. I couldn't focus on anything. The fever lasted for five days with the same level of intensity throughout.

The day after the fever set in came the pain. Every muscle in my body was screaming in agony. Every day I woke up to my legs feeling like they were burning. It hurt to lie down, it hurt to sit, it hurt to stand. It hurt to move my frickin eyeballs. But more importantly; it hurt to breathe. With every breath I could feel the contour of my lungs inside my chest. Deep breaths were out of the question. 

Back in April the medical advice was to seek help at the hospital if you experienced any covid-like symptoms, but knowing at least two people who had both had symptoms had been turned away at the door for "not being sick enough", I decided I'd rather avoid going outside all-together. Back then you didn't get to come into the hospital unless you were literally dying. 

I didn't get the cough or the sore throat (except the muscle pain) so a part of me wondered whether that was covid or if it was something else. I had my antibody test on June 30th. A simple blood test. They told me I'd get the result in 2-7 days. Today I got the result: positive. I have the antibodies, which means what I had in April was covid. 

I'm not in any risk group, but I work in a hotel in the Stockholm area, so I low-key expected to get it at some point. Getting it didn't make me worried about myself so much because I'm not at risk. What worried me was potentially, accidentally, giving it to somebody who is. So I always followed the rules and recommendations, and still I got it. Even now I make sure to follow the rules even though people with antibodies have been deemed safe to interact with people at risk. 

It never got bad enough that I ended up in hospital or ICU, like so many others that you read about. But this was the worst I can remember ever feeling. It came from seemingly out of nowhere, knocked me out for several days, and then vanished as quickly as it had come. 

They told us from the beginning that everybody reacts differently to it. Some don't even notice that they have it. I thought I would be one of those people that get to have it without noticing it. But here we go. This is a story from a completely and somewhat audaciously healthy person experiencing covid. 

I still say that I've been lucky. It went easy on me. Considering. 

Best of 2017

Best book: Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley

Best songs: Magic Forest by Amberian Dawn, I am Machine by Three Days Grace, and Dance With the Dragon by Dark Sarah

Best games: Far Cry Primal and Shadowrun: Dragonfall

Best movie: Murder on the Orient Express

Best TV show: Doctor Who

Best food stuffs: Been crazy about sushi rolls all year!

Best clothes: My new favourite is my hoodie with Espeon and Umbreon on the back

Best accessories: Finally bought a Time-Turner at the Sci-Fi Fair in Stockholm!

Best experience (work-related): Promotion! Aw yea! :P I got business cards and everything :3

Best experience (life-related): Got engaged :3

Best decision: Starting a subscription on OwlCrate!

Best in fandom: The Morrowind release for ESO. Seriously. Best. Thing. Ever. :D

Best event: Not sure if SRF or the Alice Cooper concert. Probably SRF ♥

2016 in categories

List stolen from Ell and translated.

Music of the Year: It's been a very mixed year. Top 5 songs from iTunes are:

• Tommy february6 - "Little Red Forest"

• Three Days Grace - "I Am Machine"

• Amberian Dawn - "Magic Forest"

• The Pretty Reckless - "House on a Hill"

• In This Moment - "Blood"

Mostly girls, which is an achievement considering that male fronted is a lot more common than female fronted when it comes to hard rock and metal :)

Best Movie of the Year: It's been a very bad movie year. We only saw two movies at the cinema; Deadpool and Fantastic Beasts. I've watched almost 20 black-and-white movies though, and we did make an effort to watch all the X-men movies. But being the way I am I have to say Fantastic Beasts. It's been so long since I've been looking forward to a movie like that, and the fact that it didn't disappoint just made me so happy. 

Best Book of the Year: It's been a good book-year, and despite that it may not be the absolutely best book I've read this year, no other book has given me feelings like the Cursed Child. Good feelings. And no other book made me cry for 15 minutes after I had finished reading it (although The Fault in Our Stars came close). So this award goes to Cursed Child.

Best TV show of the Year: I follow so many. But I've been hooked on X-files for most of the year so the award can't go anywhere else. 

Most good-looking: I hardly ever think of these things long-term anymore. It's usually just a fleeting "oh s/he looks nice" and then I forget about it. And thinking back now, trying to remember, I come up with two guys and I can't decide which one so here we go: DJ Ashba from Sixx:A.M. (couldn't stop looking at him during their live at Sweden Rock), and Chris Pohl from Blutengel (because I always find myself staring at him while watching their videos halfway forgetting the music). 

Most Important Happening of the Year: I quit from my first ever job and it felt great!

Did you do something this year that you've never done before? See above. But I also went with my dad to Germany to do some B2B at the world's largest confectionary convention in Cologne, Germany.

Do you have any New Years resolutions? No. I don't do that. Ever.

Did any of your friends become parents this year? Not any of my friends, but a large chunk of my acquaintances did. My Facebook wall is overflowing with pictures of babies and babybumps. 

Which countries did you visit? I'm assuming travelling back and forth in Sweden doesn't count :P I went to Germany, Denmark and a couple of hours in Finland. 

What was your biggest success in your career? Getting many more hours in my current job, making it almost stable.

And your biggest success privately? I've almost taught myself to like fish.

What did you spend the most money on? Books, probably xD

Best buy? I don't know. I've been trying to save money all year so I haven't bought much. But from what I can remember... Possibly my Garrus Pop Vinyl Figure.

Did anything make you really happy? Nothing brings feelings like really good concerts. I cried when Lordi played Blood Red Sandman, and that's probably the happiest feeling I've had this year.

Were you happier or sadder this year compared with other years? It's been pretty much the same level since 2012 :P

What do you wish you'd done more? Write. I haven't written more than a couple of sentences in the last 6 months. 

What did you do for your birthday in 2016? A job interview that failed and also work. Who has time for celebrations mid-week in mid-November? :P

How would you describe your personal style in 2016? Same as recent years. Black. And mostly jeans, t-shirts and sweatshirts. 

Anything you missed in 2016 that you want more of in 2017? Money :P

The food you mostly ate in 2016? It's either chicken or sushi. I love chicken.

Biggest wish right now? To get a full-time job that pays me well enough that I don't have to worry. I doesn't have to be an amazing salary, I don't need to be rich. I just want enough that I don't have to worry about it being enough to get me through the month. 

Is there anything that would make your year better? If people could stop dying, that would be great.

What made you feel good? Knowing that the manager at the job I quit was fired shortly after. Avarice feels good.

Who did you miss? My best friend. We did not talk as much as I would've liked this year.

What makes you the most proud? Nothing has really made me proud this year. None of my achievements have been that grand...

Ten years of running away

It's not to the day yet, but I figured I could be a little bit early. This month I celebrate 10 years of running away, or rather getting away. June 2006 was a big month for me. It was graduation time from Secondary. I was moving on to college in a new city where I knew no one, and after that university in yet another city. 

I grew up in a place that I hated. A small village (but the biggest place in the municipality) of less than 10,000 people. A thoroughly white place, where the most exciting far-away immigrants came from Poland. Thoroughly Swedish and thoroughly mainstream. If you didn't fit in the mainstream you got cut out, and I didn't fit. I had already been bullied for 6 years when I, at 13, decided to pick up studs, leather, black clothes, black make-up, purple hair, and hard rock/heavy metal. This didn't help my situation, because that made me even more of a freak. At 14 I hit rock bottom and while I was too afraid to die (I had contemplated that since I was 10), I made one single decision to cut. But the knife I found was too blunt to cut through my skin - and that was the only time I tried. After that I decided to suck it up. I moved through school like a ghost and when I came home I retreated into my favourite fantasy worlds at the time (Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, and The Belgariad). I didn't live. I existed. I wasn't happy. I was apathic. I could spend hours just lying in bed staring up at the ceiling doing nothing. When graduation day came I didn't cry. I smiled like a fool. I couldn't stop smiling, and my only thought was "I'm free". That was June 2006. 

In August I started college, in the nearby city. I still lived in the small village, but I could spend most of my days away from there, which suited me perfectly. I had promised myself that starting college would be a new beginning for me, and true to my word I told my new mentor my entire story at our first meeting. I had never told my story to anyone. Not even my parents. I still don't think they knew how bad it was. I think they noticed I wasn't exactly happy, but I don't think they knew to what extent. I quickly got friends in my new class, and after being used to cliques and an outcast that didn't exactly fit in any clique, my new class was refreshing and absolutely amazing. Although we all had our preferred groups of friends, we could all talk and all hang-out together, all 32 of us. There was drama, of course, but generally it was amazing. Those 32 people made it fun to come to school and this time I cried on graduation. In 2009 I graduated college with 21,23 total points out of 22,5. I got a stipend as Language Student of the Year, by getting top grades in all my four languages through all three years. I still had my bouts with apathy and general sadness, but overall I was happier in 2009 than in 2006. I still lived in the village, though. 

In September 2009 I started studying Japanese at the university. That class soon became my favourite ever. Studying Japanese in 2009 (when the interest in Japanese pop culture in Sweden still was peaking) meant that the whole class was packed with nerds and weeaboos. It was perfect. In January 2010 I enrolled in the next course of Japanese, but instead of studying (participation isn't necessary if you pass your exams) I went to Tokyo for an almost four month long language course, and it was the best time of my life. I then returned to Sweden, passed my exam in the Japanese course and then decided that it was time to get serious in life. Biggest mistake ever. I started studying at the Economics program, which would eventually lead to a Masters degree, serious life stuff. I quit after two months. After two months of stressful reading, and lots of math that I couldn't understand I came to a crossroads - quit or break down. I quit. Along with the math and the economic formulas I also didn't fit in among the proper people studying Economics, which helped destroy my motivation and contributed to me crying every night because I couldn't get the contents of the literature inside my head quickly enough. I then went on to study French, and while I like the language I hate the culture, and while my Japanese class had consisted of mostly nerds my French class was all proper like the Economics program. So I didn't fit. I hated not fitting in

During my first term of French I moved out from my parents and that's when I finally left the village. I still had to come back to visit my parents of course, and while I didn't mind visiting them I hated being back in the village. I was still afraid that I'd see my past tormentors and they'd throw some slur at me like 5 years hadn't passed since we graduated Secondary. I had no hope that they had grown up during those 5 years. I still expected the same idiotic teenagers. 

I studied three terms of French, and then went back to Japanese. The ones I had started with back in 2009 were now my senpai. But it felt wonderful being back among the nerds. I felt like I belonged again. Nerdville. That's me. I graduated from university in late May 2013. In September the same year I moved north. 372 miles (600 km) north to where I live now. And now I'm starting to reconcile my past. I still visit my parents, of course, but I don't hate the village anymore. I've started seeing past the bad memories and the pain is fading. Without the pain hovering over me, I'm starting to see all the good memories, and without the pain there I realise that there was a lot of good times too. Now I visit my old village with a sort of bittersweet nostalgic feeling, and I've regained enough confidence and self-respect to not fear my old tormentors anymore. Heck, I wouldn't even care if my old fear came true and one of them threw slurs at me again. I'm over it. Life got better. Life got great. 

From a 15 year old girl who was convinced no one would even look twice at her, to a 25 year old in a 4 year relationship with a wonderful guy. From a 15 year old who never thought she'd get away to a 25 year old living 372 miles away and doing a job she really likes. Life got great and my past can suck it. To anyone reading this who's currently living in a situation similar to mine 12 years ago; life does get better. Truly. Make sure you're here to see it.

Hanami in Stockholm - 6 years since last time!

Every year since I got back from Japan (can't believe it's been 6 years!) I've missed hanami. It's not a big deal in Sweden so it's possible to miss it. But every year I've wanted to go. This year for the season, I have a job in the centre of Stockholm and the office is very close to the Royal Gardens. So this time I decided to take a trip there after work last week.

I was sort of disappointed tbh. There are one-day festivals of cherry blossom viewing at different places in Sweden too, and particularly at the Royal Gardens they tend to make a fuss as soon as the flowers bloom. But it was so small. I thought the whole place would be pink, instead it was just one corner of the area. Also it was Spring showers that day so it rained every five minutes.

Here are some pictures from the day:

 The last picture is a shot of the whole area. Not very impressive, is it? Still, it was nostalgic to walk around the sakura again :3

For nostalgic purposes I'll also throw in one picture from each time we went hanami in Japan. There was more than one occasion!

 First time (10-03-20) in Kyoto. Second time (10-03-30) at Meguro-gawa, Tokyo.

 Third time (10-04-01) at the Imperial Palace, Tokyo. Fourth time (10-04-06) in Ueno, Tokyo.

 Fifth time (10-04-25) just outside the metro station in Sakura shimmachi, Tokyo where I lived. Sixth time (10-05-03) at Namsan outside Seoul, Korea.

 And also two songs that inevitably makes me think of those times we went hanami:

miwa - "Megurogawa"

Morning Musume Sakura Gumi - "Sakura Mankai"

New glasses!!! :3

Today I got new glasses for the first time in seven years :) I hardly ever used my old pair even when they still had the correct measurements. My eyesight has changed a lot since then and now they're nowhere near enough sufficient, and since I'm now at a point where I earn some money, I decided it was time to do something about it. So I have new glasses! My optician has a campaign where you buy one pair of glasses and get two more (still for the price of one). So now I have three pairs of working glasses, all of which look slightly different from each other and I also have new contacts. Variety, here I come! :)

Last time I barely used my glasses, because I got those at the same time as I got my first contacts and at that point I was so frickin sick of glasses. I was 17 and I had had glasses for 9 years. I had been bound to glasses for 8 years and I was so frickin sick of them. Especially since I had convinced myself that they made me ugly. My bullies had a lot to do with that opinion of myself. So I hardly ever touched my glasses, except for when my optician recommended that I let my eyes rest from the contacts for a while.

But now I'm positive. I like my new glasses. It's a new age now. An age where glasses aren't even considered un-attractive. Glasses have almost made a complete turn-around in terms of fashion - and I look good. I am proudly able to admit that to myself, even while wearing glasses. So I'm really looking forward to use glasses all the time again, but now I have contacts to fall back on if I want t. I hao. Best of both worlds :D

17 year old me versus current me

I'm letting go of what I once believed, so goodbye agony.

Hanami flashbacks

The sakura are currently blooming in Sweden and all my friends are posting pictures of it on their blogs and Facebook walls, and all that does to me is giving me flashbacks.

Flashbacks to the hanami we went to in Ueno (twice):

Flashbacks to the hanami we went to in Meguro:

Flashbacks to the hanami we went to at the Imperial Palace:

So mostly, all those pictures of sakura are making me nostalgic.

Press subtitles for actual English subs :)

Four years since Tokyo...

Today it's exactly four years since I arrived at Narita airport for the first time in my life, after the longest flight of my life, going on the greatest adventure of my life.

I can't even comprehend that it's four years ago, it still feels like I did all that last year.

So I'm going to do a little remembrance post, and if you've been following my blog for some time you'll see the same old pictures.

4 years later, what are my most vivid memories from Tokyo/Kyoto/Seoul?
My breakfast and the lovely duvet of my bed

The jam-packed trains

Purikura, karaoke and vending machines

Disneyland

FujiQ

The "I love you" note from Kyoto and Sanjuusangendo

Namsan

Disney Store and Hello! Project Store

Sweets Paradise

Megurogawa's Hanami

Funny signs

The FOOD :3

For this post I also decided to pick up everything I've saved from Tokyo/Kyoto/Seoul in my Winnie the Pooh cookie jar from Disneyland.

From Tokyo

From Kyoto/Seoul