"Cos inside you're ugly, ugly like me" "My hearts is just too dark to care, I can't destroy what isn't there" "All alone I seem to break" "All I want to know is why does any of it matter" "Cos I see you, but I can't feel you" "I feel numb. I can't come to life. I feel like I'm frozen in time" "I was shattered, left in pieces, and I felt so cold inside" "Did you really think that I wouldn't see this through?" "What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way" "It's like the only company I seek is misery all around"
Yesterday (well I guess it's two days ago now) it was time for the long-awaited concert with Nightwish. Can't believe it's been almost 5 years since I last saw them live. This time was better, though. Think the band and Anette have gotten a bit more accoustumed to eachother by now.
Anyway, we got there and bought our t-shirts as per tradition :P Then we got into the concerthall. They had two supporting acts. The first one, Eklipse, was kind of cool. Four very pretty girls with classical instruments playing a bunch of songs that I recognised but annoyingly enough couldn't place :/
The second band, Battle Beast, was a huge disappointment. The music was average and some of the intros were pretty good. But the singer... Oh boy the singer... All she did was nasal vibratos. Everything was nasal vibratos. And some screaming. But mostly nasal vibratos. And she spent too much time trying to get the crowd going rather than doing something great on stage that would get the crowd going anyway.
My favourite moment was during The Islander. Before starting to play it Marco asked us to take out stuff with lights. Like lighters or phones. And hold them up into the air. Then they started playing and the entire crowd sang along. With all the lights up. It was awesome.
The entire concert was as wonderful as concerts usually are. Sweaty and aching we left it. My ears ringing and my throat parched. A coke after a concert must be the best thing in the world.
So I just finished the exam assignment in French literature, I corrected all my résumés and I've finished my presentation for tomorrow's oral exam. But it wasn't easy. I've completely broken down twice in this procedure, crying my eyes out totally believing I'm not good enough. That I suck and I have nothing that makes me worthwhile. I've had nightmares and insomnia. I've been completely stressed out, not being able to fully concentrate on anything at all. I'm still feeling the need to curl up in a corner, cover myself in a blanket, cry my brains and eyes out and wait for the world to go away. But it wont ofc and so I have to keep on going.
All I can do now is hope that my teachers think I'm good enough for a passing grade.
I hate the fact that French doesn't come easy to me. Why?! Why doesn't it come easy to me?! It's a language. I understand how it works, but still it doesn't come naturally to me. While writing or speaking and trying to find a word I first go to English/Swedish but then I have to pass through Japanese as well before arriving at a French word. This makes me totally useless in speaking contexts. It takes way too much time for me to find the correct word. It's getting better, but slowly. I can't submerge completely into French culture as I've done with Japanese simply cause I find the French culture too boring. It's too... intellectual :P I'm intelligent, not an intellectual. There's a difference. If you don't know it, look it up!
Love finally made me come to my senses by making me understand that I'm acting pathetic. My problems are somewhat in the line of "The straight A student is no longer getting straight A's and have to work for her grades like the rest of us. Boo-hoo. Poor you." For some reason that made me pick my stuff up and keep on going.
But still, let's not do this again. I don't want to collapse into tears and feel completely useless and worthless again. I'm re-evaluating my continuation of French actually...
Harry Potter. Medieval II Total War. The Sims 2. David Eddings. Star Trek. Mad Men. ANTM. No Ordinary Family. Suugaku Joshi Gakuen. One Piece. Rayman.
Harry Potter. Yes. The meet-up and party I went to stands for most of this month's Harry Potter nerdiness :P But I have also watched this video about 4 times. Oh and I shared this picture on Facebook! Thought it was hilarious:
Medieval II Total War. I met the winning conditions as France but continued playing until all the turns were up. Pretty much all of the European map was light blue by then (light blue = my colour). I had annihilated England, Scotland, Spain, Portugal, Milan, Venice, Sicily, Denmark, Holy Roman Empire, Poland and Egypt. The Turks, Byzantine Empire and Hungary had one region each left when I ran out of turns. This was fun :) Will probably be a while until I play it again though. This song, however, always manages to inspire me into playing this game.
The Sims 2. While I was playing Total War I didn't have much time playing The Sims. However since my last report on my family, I've gotten started on the fourth generation for real, most of the sims in the third generation have gotten married and all the sims in the second generation have grown old. Since last time I have gotten one vampire and two werewolves. One of my sims is married to a robot he made and they're expecting an Alien baby since the sim was taken away by Aliens.
David Eddings. Haven't really had the time to read lately. But I finished The Treasured One and as soon as I'm done with my exams I will get started on The Crystal Gorge. What I didn't like about The Treasured One was that it was pretty much just a transportation. It was everything that happened in the first book from different point of views and ofc some things happened in this book too, but nothing very important.
Star Trek. Haven't watched in a while now, but last time I watched it was the episode with Spock's mutiny. It's a double episode and I got tired of it about halfway through the first episode. It was pretty much the pilot with Captain Pike incorporated into the series. And because I had seen the pilot I figured out Spock's goal with his mutiny after about halfway through, and then it just wasn't interesting anymore... Will continue watching though.
Mad Men. 5th season started two weeks ago and I wasn't sure about the season premiere. It was nothing spectacular. Actually I was kind of disappointed. Last episode was better. I love how Betty is unhappy. Wonder when she'll realise she brought this upon herself... Also I'm not a fan of Megan and... WTH is up with Roger? He's acting more and more like a child thirsting for approval and appreciation.
ANTM. Also called America's Next Top Model. I have a weird fascination for the show and I have had it for years. Since I was 15 I think... I loved the last cycle: cycle 17 All-Stars where they brought back old contestants. Allison Harvard I love you. This cycle is also proving to be interesting. Cycle 18 British Invasion. Basically it's 6 newbie American girls and 6 British girls that have previously competed in BNTM. My favourites this cycle are Azmarie and Sophie. One American and one Brit. They're both incredible.
No Ordinary Family. When I first saw the trailer for this series I wanted to see it. But then it didn't happen. Quite recently I was recommended this show by a friend so I started watching it. But it feels a little bit too Fantastic Four. I didn't like that movie. This series has its moments, but it's not that great. I miss Heroes T_T
Suugaku Joshi Gakuen. It's a dorama series starring many of the girls from Hello! Project :) The storyline isn't great. The acting isn't fantastic. I guess I'm watching it pretty much just because of the girls. But the school in the series is pretty interesting. Because it's use of math. Every disagreement is solved with math. I hate math, can't stand it, and as soon as they talk math I have no idea what they're talking about xD But on some level I find this show interesting.
One Piece. The manga is great at the moment :D But looking through some old posters I found a One Piece one that came with a magazine I bought in Japan. Since I found it all I need now is a frame and it will end up on my wall. One Piece ftw!
Rayman. I have the old original game for both PC and for GBA. The PC-game won't work on my computer cause the computer is too new :( But I've been playing the GBA a bit again on my DS :D Love the game. Can't understand why they had to change it so much just cause computers got better :(
I need to get this out of my system. Seriously. The pre-exam anxiety is killing me. Why? Cause I keep procrastinate it. Why? Cause I have no energy to do it. Why? I guess I'm just not that friggin interested! I keep thinking that this is it. This is the last exams I have to do in French and I have to pass. Seriously, I do not want to redo all of this in August. No way. I keep thinking that after this I'm free. The essay won't be as much work as the exams. Why? Cause it's a subject I chose, a teacher I like and just pouring out words and making qualified guess-work isn't that hard and it's kind of fun. Tomorrow I'm finishing the presentation for my oral exam. Hopefully. I have to. I just have to. And hopefully I'm gonna get started on the exam assignment in litterature. I will not be able to enjoy my Easter, but it doesn't matter. Easter has to be the most unnecessary holiday there is.
I don't know if my unwillingness to do the presentation for my oral exam has to do with the teacher. I don't like him. I'm scared he's gonna fail me just cause he can. I can't stand having him near me. Seeing him looking at me with those eyes. Eyes that tell me he thinks I'm a complete idiot. If he fails me I will cry. And scream. And possibly be depressed and sad for a week.
I haven't felt like this for a univeristy course since Economics. And I don't want to believe that it's all my own fault. Cause in French I feel like I'm doing well and then it all keeps blowing up in my face. So maybe I'm just completely useless at French or they are just bad teachers. At least in Economics it was obvious that I sucked and had absolutely no idea what I was doing...
If you have possibly missed all my rants about one of my teachers then I'll give you a recap:
My problem could also be pride. My own stupid pride. But I don't understand how it could be. I got all A's in Japanese and Spanish at univeristy level. But with French I just can't seem to cut it.
I've been mentally preparing myself for failing for the last month. I guess that's partly where all my pre-exam anxiety comes from. And my insomnia.
I'm also having mixed feelings about this. Partly a feeling of joy and delight that it's soon over, soon I'll be free. At the same time that scares the hell out of me cause that means I'll have to finish soon.
After all this is over I want someone to let me get totally wasted. Just cause I need some exercising in relaxing.
Just writing this I feel like I'm gonna break down and cry my eyes out. Completely crack. But I wont. I don't do stuff like that. I'm strong. I'm independent. I survive. It's what I do and it's what I'll keep on doing. I wont let anything break me completely, just render me slightly unable for a while. It's how I deal. Now you deal with it.